We're gonna need a bigger [chat]

*Really Good* Woodpeckers.

So, that video of Dragonforce from GH3 I posted last week? Yeah, that was on HARD.

Here it is on Expert:


It makes Cowboys from Hell look like...I don't know what.

GH3 Pre-Order Bundles

Red Octane announced it's GH3 Pre-Order Bundles. Here they are:

Wii Bundle
Xbox 360 Bundle
PS3 Bundle
PS2 Bundle

If you pay $10 more for any bundle you get an "Elite Bundle" which contains:
(1) Guitar Hero Faceplate for the Les Paul Guitar ($14.99 value)**
(1) Guitar Hero III Tee Shirt ($14.99 value)
(1) Guitar Hero Dual Gig Bag ($24.99 value)
(1) Guitar Hero Designer 2" Wide Guitar Strap ($9.99 value)**
(1) Guitar Hero Key Chain ($6.99 value)

We officially have a Wii

Teenie and I have a wii now. As of this moment, we are totally cool. Thanks, you may now return to your regularly scheduled boredom.

The Rane of LolCats has ended...

meet realisticats.

Pictures of Cats with realistic captions about things that cats really do. Like eat you food and ignore you!

edit: here are some i just made - enjoy

Damn it, Mormons.

I had it all planned out. I had a great article in mind about sunflowers that would be insightful and entertaining and a nice change from my usual angry rant. But then I checked msnbc to see if anything had exploded and I saw an article entitled Mormans: Is Polygamy in Afterlife OK?" and it turns out that I was to be the one who exploded today. So now I have to forego my sunflower article to rant about how much I fucking hate Mormons.

The article begins by stating that Mormons are not pro-polygamy and they can't at all understand why anyone would think that they endorse polygamy. Personally, I sympathize with Mormons on this issue. The way people talk about it one would think that at one time Mormons not only endorsed polygamy but actually started a cult in the middle of the fucking desert so they could practice it. As if!

But Mormanism's inability to recall history is not the blood-boiling point of the article. No, we get this little gem: "Much less clear is the church's position on polygamy in the eternal hereafter." The "eternal hereafter"? And not only that, but polygamy in the "eternal hereafter"? Well that sounds like a dilly of a pickle. Surely a reasoned, informed, and logical section shall follow that ditch-fuckingly-stupid sentence.

Apparently, Mormons are in a bit of a bind, or "seal":

When a Mormon man and woman are married in the Temple, they are "sealed," which means they and their children will be bound together forever in heaven—what Mormons call the celestial kingdom. If a Mormon man becomes a widower, or if he is divorced, he can remarry in the Temple—and thus be sealed to more than one woman.

That means that, in Mormon theological theory, a Morman man could be sealed to multiple women! And that would mean that in the "eternal hereafter's" "celestial kingdom" there would be Morman men with...wait for it...MULTIPLE WIVES!

MORMAN THEOLOGICAL DILEMMA!

And what a dilemma it is. This dilemma is so dilemmamafying that "On the Web site feministmormonhousewives.org, women worry over celestial polygamy in all its permutations". Ok, stop one god-damned moment.

You're telling me that there is a website for feminist Mormon housewives and that on this site feminist Morman housewives worry over CELESTIAL POLYGAMY? Are you fucking kidding me? People who lack the theological prowess to identify how mud-fuckingly stupid Mormanism is spend time out of their lives on a site for "Feminist Morman Housewives" (a concept that will get its own week-long series of rants) consternated over the dilemma of celestial polygamy?

I think that their time would be best spent not worrying about celstial polygamy, but rather trying to figure out why they hell they believe that Joseph Smith found Golden Plates guarded by the Angel Moroni buried in the hills outside of his home in New York. Perhaps these women could reflect on the image of Joseph Smith dictating the book of Mormon to a scribe by he, Joseph Smith, putting rocks into a hat and then reading the letters that appeared inside of the hat to the scribe. Maybe they could try to figure out how it is that Native Americans made it to North America, given that Mormanism teaches us that Native Americans are actually descended from a tribe of Israel.

Or maybe, MAYBE, the whole lot of them had best put their fucking heads together and come up with an explanation for why JOSEPH SMITH SAID THAT THE GARDEN OF EDEN WAS IN WESTERN MISSOURI.

Oh, Senator Larry Craig.

MSNBC has a .pdf transcript of Senator Larry Craig's police interview after he was arrested for soliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom.

If you have time I suggest reading it. It's great to see an old white repressed republican gay-bashing homosexual try to squirm his way out of having to be honest with himself about being a old white republican homosexual.

Teach me, Conservapedia.

So, I'm reading the Young Earth Creationism article on conservapedia.com because I loathe myself. While reading this article, though, I have stumbled upon the genius that is conservapedia.

Within the article I found the sentence, "Young earth creationist scientists also believe that there are multiple lines of evidence from the field of geology showing that the earth is young." Since I was pretty sure that sentence was incorrect I sought out the 4 footnote links which provide support for it. The four links are to:
1)answersingenesis.org
2)www.creationism.org
3)nwcreation.net
4)globalflood.org

This is what made me realize the brilliance of conservapedia, Young Earth Creationism, and Religion as a whole. The brilliant position maintained by these ideological views is that they ignore everything that proves them wrong. They set the terms of the argument to be such that they can't be incorrect.

Think about that. How many times have you and I been shown to be wrong due to demonstrable fact, empirical observation, or appeals to recognized authority? The mistake we made, I now realize, is that we acknowledged these other sources as meaningful. We argued within a context in which people who don't agree with us can be correct.

And that's the mistake the likes of conservapedia, young earth creationists, religions, etc. refuse to make. They only acknowledge sources which agree with them. They frame the argument to be such that demonstrable fact and empirical observation are less meaningful than their own types of "evidence". If evidence is presented which is contrary to their own opinion then they attack the fundamental assumption which makes that evidence meaningful. If presented with a 2 billion year old fossil, for example, a young earth creationist would say, "That is not 2 billion years old." When confronted with the information obtained through carbon dating the young earth creationist would say, "That is incorrect. Carbon dating does not work."

Do you see how wonderful that view is? It's brilliant! It's inspired! Their world view is that they cannot be wrong, that any contrary evidence is fundamentally flawed because it is contrary!

Surely they are some of the most thoughtful and intelligent amoung us. And if we gathered up every god-damned one of them and threw them into a fucking volcano they would do naught but laugh politely and say, "Silly secularist. Lava is not hot!"

Brilliant.

Edit: I had to throw this quote in because it's so beautiful. This sentence comes from the "Starlight and the Age of the Universe" section of the conservapedia article:

"Thirdly, the work of young earth creationist scientist Dr. John Hartnett proposes an alternative, creationist view, by theorizing the Earth was trapped in a time-dilation field caused by extremely strong gravitation during the first few days of creation, from Earth's point of view, while billions of years passed for the rest of the universe. He attributes the field, it's removal and the continued balance in our solar system (after the field was removed) to divine intervention."

Why are other planets so much older than Earth? Why can we see starlight from millions of light-years away? Well, God put earth in a time bubble, you see.

Cyberslacking.

I was reading an article on msnbc.com and found that there is apparently a word for slacking while at work by doing internet stuffs. The word is "cyberslacking".

So I thought I would update the blog with a post about this word.

LOL Caitlin Uptons

Feel free to post links to your own in the comments and they'll be added.

Pokemon Miniatures.

Why has no one made a Pokemon Minatures game? A minatures game like Hero Clix only it uses pokeymans? Why has no one made one?

Oh, Senator Larry Craig...

Senator Larry Craig,

If you want to not be seen as a doddering old Republican homosexual coot you really dropped the ball on this one (pardon the pun). Here's some pointers to avoiding future problems.

1. Don't plead guilty to "complaints of lewd conduct" that accuse you of being a doddering old Republican Homosexual. Can't stress that enough.

2. If you do plead guilty do not say, "In hindsight, I should have pled not guilty." afterwards. At all cost avoid references to "hind"sight or any other phrases which invoke images of "ass" or "homosexual anal sex".

3. When addressing the press, do not say, "I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. I am not gay.” You really want to avoid phrases that make it sound as if you think "gay" is "wrong". Something along the lines of, "I am not a homosexual...not that there's anything wrong with that..."

4. Do not accuse papers of "waging a witch hunt" against you. First of all, "witch hunts" are not "waged". Second of all, the phrase "witch hunt" makes you sound like a doddering old codger who just piloted his walker out of the early 30s.

5. Stop sucking dick! Seriously, the worst thing you can do when trying to argue that you are a heterosexual is to engage in homosexual acts.

Hope this helps!

Your Pal,
_J_

So, Rune Factory...

So, Rune Factory is a new Harvest Moon game wherein players do the usual Harvest Moon things such as plant corn and collect eggs from chickens but players also use a sword to battle and befriend monsters. The monsters one befriends can fill the roll of farm animals (sheep, chickens, moo cows) but also these monsters can be given tasks such as watering plants, harvest crops, and, presumably, milking your moo cows. The game also has wifi functionality by which players can chat with other Rune Factory players as well as trade tools and other in-game items via the tubal interwebs.

I think this is intriguing.

The problem, though, is that my history with Harvest Moon is not good. After I purchased the GBA Harvest Moon I found a faq online which explained how to amass great quantities of gold from the beginning of the game. So I spent an hour constantly resetting my game to get the exploit to work. I found this to be stupid and frustrated so I then chased my dog with a hoe for 15 minutes and finally put the game in a drawer where it remains to this day.

The aspect of Rune Factory that may allow me to enjoy it is the combat system and wifi functionality. The problem I have with games in general is that they are restricted to only interracting with themselves on a cartridge. So I am not compelled to level a character in Disgaea, for example, because that character only ever exists on my save card and only ever interacts with other characters within my save card. With wifi, though, I can give my moo-cow milk to other players via the tubal interwebs. So, in my mind, the game matters. Sort of like how Diablo II is a better game than Neverwinter Nights because Diablo II has functional multiplayer whereby I can give Adam the extra Goreshovel he needs, whereas in Neverwinter Nights the multiplayer experience is tantamount to punching yourself in the balls while a polygon screams, "ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!" in a folksy accent.

It's $30 and On Goody has a copy. I already know that if I buy it I'll never finish it. But I might find it to be enjoyable for a while. I also have a "long weekend" coming up, apparently, and this game could allow me to waste that time effectively.

Maybe Adam will buy it and tell me that it is awesome. Then I can get it and we will trade moo-cow milk over the internets.

Because some people don't have maps.

The Text:
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

When asked to explain herself on the Today show Caitlin Upton said, "Everything did come at me at once". I am still unclear as to how that shocked her. Surely she's experienced that before.

Also, "She has said that she entered the Miss Teen USA pageant in part to improve her communication skills. " This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Why the FUCK don't we go to PAX?

Wil Wheaton's Keynote Address for PAX 2007.

"My name is Wil Wheaton. Jack Thompson can suck my balls."

Now, that's a fucking thesis.

"His Good Name"

After Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation, President Bush told some reporters that, “His good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons".

Alright, let's clear up a few things before that cocaine snorting President of ours tries to muddy up the water and the 24-hour news networks unload their stupid on this story. Alberto Gonzales didn't have a good name. He wasn't a good guy. He wasn't a martyr suffering for his holy crusade of nobility. He was a shitstain on the history of the United States and the sooner he gets the fuck out of Washington the better.

January 25, 2002: Gonzales advised President Bush that, "the war on terrorism is a new kind of war, a new paradigm [that] renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitation on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders some of its provisions quaint."

That's a lawyer talking. A lawyer saying that the Geneva conventions, the means by which it is assured that enemy combatants are treated humanely, no longer apply to the United States because the war on terrorism is a "new kind of war". Do you see the problem there? Here's the biggest problem:

LAWS DON'T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY!!!

It's not the case that one can simply dismiss a law or a treaty because they feel it no longer applies to them. But that's the precident he set. "I don't think this applies to the United States anymore, therefore etc." And from that point on we saw this man's respect for the Rule of Law, the Constitution, and the established governmental structure of the United States. He didn't fucking care about them or respect them. He was an asshole; an asshole who fundamentally misunderstood his job and the nature of the United States of America. An asshole who thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. An asshole who worked with Karl Rove to give President Bush and Vice President Cheney as much clearance as possible as they skipped through our government in an effort to fight their stupid fucking war of lies, deceit, and ignorance.

So don't even try to play the "it's politics" card again you delusional, ignorant, dolt of a president. Alberto Gonzales was not a "good man". Alberto Gonzales was a liar and a crook. And if the United States can unmake the wrongs he set forth, fix the government he and yourself wrecked, and right the wrongs of your idiotic amalgamation of C-grade students who know neither history nor geography then so much the better for the rest of us and, hopefully, so much the worse for you.

Submitted without comment.

The history of Liver-Eating Johnson

appendiceal lumen

8:29:40 PM jayhaxor: So your appendiceal lumen was full of shit?
8:29:54 PM thesupermikey: err
8:29:55 PM thesupermikey: was
8:30:00 PM thesupermikey: i don't have one anymore
8:30:03 PM thesupermikey: they took it out
8:30:17 PM jayhaxor: Do you feel like less of a person?
8:30:22 PM thesupermikey: nope
8:30:31 PM thesupermikey: i am just sore
8:30:41 PM jayhaxor: tragic
8:30:45 PM jayhaxor: but you get to be home for a week
8:30:48 PM thesupermikey: yeah
8:31:02 PM jayhaxor: But now you don't have a appendiceal lumen.
8:31:10 PM jayhaxor: It's a tough loss.
8:31:10 PM thesupermikey: i do not
8:31:14 PM thesupermikey: ill live
8:31:19 PM thesupermikey: it killed some people
8:31:19 PM jayhaxor: Hopefully.
8:31:25 PM jayhaxor: It went down fighting
8:31:25 PM thesupermikey: i think i got out ok
8:31:29 PM thesupermikey: it had to
8:31:43 PM thesupermikey: it was going to spend its years in a prison cell
8:31:47 PM thesupermikey: suicide by police
8:31:56 PM jayhaxor: Or a jar of fermaldehide
8:32:02 PM thesupermikey: same thing
8:32:05 PM jayhaxor: True.
8:32:15 PM jayhaxor: According to wikipedia you don't eat enough fibre
8:32:19 PM thesupermikey: only fermaldehide smells better

My Appendix can suck it

So when i got home from teaching on Thrusday Night i had a realy awful stomach ache. I tried Mailox and all the other normal stuff but nothing seemed to work. When i woke up, my Stomach was still very much mad at me.

I got a friend to take me to the doctor in the late morning. After some poking they took me to the Hospital for a CAT scan.

That showed that, in fact, my Appendix was about to explode, so in a harrowing feat of surgery the surgan was able to cut it own in the nick of time. I am told, but have not confirmed, as they were transferring my evil organ out of the operating room it broke free of its restrained and killed a nurse and Janitor. Poor Janitor. I hate Scrubs soo much.

I am back i warsaw for a week because i cant drive or walk to well.

so. Fuck Appendixes they fucking suck.

'Blasphemous' balls anger Afghans (not the rugs)

Well, we pissed off the brown people again.

A demonstration has been held in south- east Afghanistan accusing US troops of insulting Islam after they distributed footballs bearing the name of Allah.

The balls showed the Saudi Arabian flag which features the Koranic declaration of faith.

Afghan MP Mirwais Yasini said: "To have a verse of the Koran on something you kick with your foot would be an insult in any Muslim country around the world."