Suffocation, no [chat]ing

Jay, your prayers have been answered.

Battlestar Galactica Finale: Review

So the last episode of Battlestar Galactica is on Hulu. I recognize that I've only seen the last 5 episodes of the series. I recognize that I do not have the emotional attachment some others may have. And yet, I feel confident in offering a modest review of the series:

FUCK YOU, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!

I realize that some may disagree with my assessment. So I've taken the liberty of providing you, the home viewer, with a hulu clip of all you really need to see, ever, of Battlestar Galactica. It's a little less than three minutes long. Watch it:




Apparently, we're all, you and I, the descendants of Galactican Humans and Cylons. Oh, and to the answer of why we're all here? What's life all about? Yeah. Turns out that the answer is God did it. But that's not the worst part. This is the worst part:

"Let a complex system repeat itself long enough, eventually something surprising might occur."

That's right. Battlestar Galactica's ending is The architect scene from the Second Matrix Movie.

So, in summary, it took the Battlestar Galactica franchise over 30 years to articulate the point the Wachowski brothers made in two movies: Boo Technology; yey pseudo-free will.

Zero Punctuation: Resident Evil 5

Dragon Ball: Evolution

I can't imagine anyone looking at the trailers, production stills, movie posters, or even the word "Evolution" in the title could possibly think that the final film was going to be anything other than an insulting waste of time. Still, there were a handful of promising little signs that it could still succeed on some level. IMDB says that Akira Toriyama is credited only with writing the manga, but I could swear he was producing the film. Even if he isn't, Stephen Chow is a producer, and that should at least mean that even if the movie throws out everything that anyone has ever liked about Dragon Ball, at least this new version will at least be potentially entertaining.

Right?

RIGHT?!

Of course not. DB:E not only discards all but the largest of details from the original, but it does so to make room for some of the most truly insipid crap anyone has ever bothered to film. The story is astoundingly generic, the acting shifts from "why is the camera still rolling?" to "oh god please just shut these people up", but I think the real problem with DB:E is pacing. They have less than 90 minutes to take Goku from an awkward high school kid (yeah) to ultimate warrior, and there is no time for dawdling, most of the characters, or really much of anything important. So much happens so fast that it's difficult to consider any particular scene any more or less important than the one that preceeded it. Goku's training is done almost literally on the drive to the final showdown. The villain has less screen time than Malkovich in Eragon, and really, once a movie has been compared to Eragon, it's all over.

There are a few touches that should appeal to the fan. Goku is referred to as Son Goku once, and he wears a blue and orange hoodie, and I think someone mentions a monkey at some point. Bulma has blue highlights and Yamucha is a fugly Korean boy. Well, I guess that's not such a nod to the original, but I guess rather than scarring up an attractive guy, they just found some poor dude born under the ugly tree and called it even. Roshi is a pervert exactly twice, and capsules really can do anything.

To a certain extent, all this movie really needed to do was give some sort of approximation of what could be enjoyable about the Dragon Ball series. They could have a cool fight or spend half of the movie leveling up or put in something kind of funny or be cute or just do SOMETHING. There are some fights and some loser-becomes-winner gratification bits that should make nerdly DB fans feel good about themselves. There are girls who have guns and girls who make Kung-Fu kicks and also kiss nerdly boys, and there's maybe a car chase and a plane crash in there, too, but I really don't recall. Probably not a plane crash. Anyway, I like to think that I'm aware of when I'm being pandered to, but I have to admit that I cannot recall a movie that has ever done so with such a complete misunderstanding of what might make me like it. It's like having your grandma buy you a video game. God bless her for trying, and she has the basic idea, but aside from a stroke of luck, there's no way she's actually going to bring something you'll enjoy. That's the bottom line, I believe: this movie is a video game your grandma bought you.

Also, seeing Chow Yun Fat yell "I AM MUTEN ROSHI! HA HA HA" is more than a little dis-heartening.

Rachel Maddow Teaches Jimmy Fallon to Drink Like a Man

She makes Jimmy a Bijou. I love wikipedia entries about cocktails.

Pokémon Platinum: A Grad Student's Dilemma

So the semester is ending, I have three papers to write, I have comps to study for this summer, and I'll need to work full-time in order to have money to pay for rent and food. But, you see, Pokémon Platinum came out this weekend...

I know that I need to be strong. I have played every generation of Pokémon so far; I know what will happen; every game is the same. Rattatta is Sentret is Zigzagoon is Bidoof. I understand this.

But...this is the Crystal version of Diamond and Pearl. This is like...if they took Diamond and Pearl and combined them! It's a different version of the 5th generation of the same Pokémon game I've already played like eight times (Red, Blue, Yellow, Crystal, Ruby, Emerald, Diamond, Pearl)!

Ok, making sure I have all the generations:
Red / Blue / Yellow
Gold / Silver / Crystal
Ruby / Sapphire / Emerald
Fire Red / Leaf Green
Diamond / Pearl / Platinum

Anyway. Apparently to transfer Pokémon from Diamond to Platinum one requires 2 DSs in order to swap Pokémon (six at a time) via Wifi. And when I learned this I seriously considered, for a moment, sending an e-mail out to the grad department listserve saying "I need another DS to move my Pokémon from Diamond to Platinum. Does anyone have a DS I can borrow?" That thought occurred in my brain!

So, what do I do? Do I choose you, Pokémon? Or do I choose you, Schelling? Or can I has my Pokémon and my Schelling, too? Can I really stop playing Pokémon? What if I give up WoW to play Pokémon? Can I do that? Can I honestly not play Platinum?

Because...I WANT TO BE THE VERY BEST!!!!

Warhammer Online Advertises on Wowhead

You can't make this shit up.