Out of [chat]

This is depressing as hell.

Time's up, Ted!

Help Boston: Retweet #prayforboston

In the wake of the Boston bombing, many religious individuals have offered prayers of support for the victims, asking God to comfort and heal the wounded.  In a stunning break from tradition, God has released a statement to humanity regarding some reactions to this tragedy.


Hey guys,

So, after that bombing many of you prayed that I comfort the victims, that I provide guidance to the FBI as they hunt for the perpetrators, and that I heal the wounded.  While I appreciate the attention, I thought it might be good to clarify some things about which you seem to be confused.

First of all, I'm omnipotent.  You don't need to tell me the bombing happened.  I am aware of it.  And if you want me to do something?  I know that, too.  Telling me that you want me to heal someone, when I know you want me to heal them, is a bit redundant.  Our lines of communication don't get clogged like cellphone towers, but hearing the same request gets old after a while.

Second of all, doctors heal people, not me.  I don't know why y'all haven't picked up on that yet, but medical science is, generally, the best way to remove shrapnel from an appendage.  As an incorporeal entity, it's very difficult for me to operate a scalpel.  Maybe you should focus upon aiding doctors and medical personnel instead of talking to me; they're the healers.

On that note, you may want to rethink how you approach aiding your fellow human beings, in general.  I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but right now there are hundreds of people donating blood, and thousands donating money.  In the wake of the bombing some opened their homes to individuals who had no place to stay.  A few restaurants in the Boston area enacted a "pay if you can" policy last night.

That's helping.

I'm sure you feel like talking to me, or retweeting #prayforboston, counts for something...but in the grand scheme of things?  That's really just a way for you to make yourself feel like you helped out; you haven't actually done anything.  And believe me, I know all about non-action in the face of tragedy.

Speaking of the face of tragedy, you guys have some strange priorities.  A few hours ago there was an earthquake in Iran.  A series of attacks in Iraq resulted in 55 deaths yesterday, with 300 injured.  You aren't omnipotent, like me, but you do get CNN.  Any reason why you're silent on these deaths, but can't seem to shut up about Boston?  It's a bit confusing to me, and I understand everything!

Look, I get that existence is scary.  I designed it to be that way.  But it's supposed to make you all band together and form a community of cooperation against a common enemy:  me.  I'm the asshole who forced you to exist, who knowingly allows these events to happen.  You're supposed to turn to one another, to help your fellow man.  If you're talking to me, or posting on Facebook, then you've missed the fucking point.

I mean, come on.  I let an eight year old child be ripped apart by shrapnel.  I watched it happen and didn't do shit.  Given that, what makes you think that I'm inclined to help people?  I'm a fucking prick!

That being said, if you guys could find a way to fuck up the Westboro folks when they picket the funerals that would be great.  Even I am disgusted by those folks.

Yours in Christ,
God

Bevity: Always spot on

For instance:

It is Kids in the Hall good, folks.