Your Toddler is a Sociopath, and Other True Statements that Piss People Off
You know that feeling you get when you see a dog or cat
owner talk to their pet using complete sentences chock-full of adjectives and
clauses? That painful, pulsating, sense
of wrongness that results from watching someone act in a manner completely
estranged from reality?
That's basically how I feel whenever I interact with the
parents of young children.
I recently became friends with a single mother who has a two
year old daughter. Through our
interactions I have learned two valuable lessons:
1) I think two year
olds are awesome.
2) Parents of
toddlers are insufferable.
This is the problem I have:
In the same way that dog owners anthropomorphize their canine, parents
of toddlers anthropomorphize their kids.
They posit a wealth of meaning, intent, and psychological nuance onto
the child that just plain isn't fuck there.
And when I point this out to them, they get pissed off. Because the parent thinks of its two year old
as a quirky adolescent with a speech impediment, and I think of their toddler
as...basically a high-functioning African Grey Parrot that shits in its own
pants.
Because that's what it is.
Relevant story time:
My friend wants to enter her daughter in a child beauty pageant in order
to boost the child's self esteem, so she asked me what I thought. Now, for the moment, let's ignore the whole
'beauty pageant' problem to focus upon the larger issue:
Two Year Olds Do Not Have Low Self Esteem
In fact, toddlers can't have low self esteem; it is
psychologically impossible. The mental
faculties required to have low self esteem, to feel inferior to other people,
do not yet exist. This because, to your
toddler, there are no other people. A
toddler is mentally incapable of thinking that other human beings have intent,
desires, wills of their own. A two year
old can have a kind of inferiority resulting from an inability to accomplish a
particular task, but she doesn't feel the way you and I did in high school when
we realized we weren't the cool kids.
Now, to me, this would be a relief for a parent. They can cast aside the concern for enhancing
their child's sense of self (because it doesn't yet have a self), and focus
instead on making sure it doesn't choke on LEGOs. But, no.
When I say, "You know...your daughter can't have low self
esteem. At this stage, she's functionally a
sociopath." the mother gets pissed off.
Why? I am not sure.
But it's really fucking frustrating to cite Erik Erikson's
eight stages of psychosocial development, and be rebuffed with "Well, I'm
a mom."
Because, for one thing, that is not an argument. It is simply an indication that you haven't
quite figured out birth control.
Now, the two year old, herself? She's great.
Because she makes sense to me. We
get on swimmingly.
But fuck if I can figure out what the hell is wrong with the
mom.
Cause here's the thing:
If you honestly give a shit about your child's well being, then you
ought to engage with the child as it is.
Understand the toddler's psychological state, and act accordingly. Just like if you want to behoove your dog,
then understand what it is, and act accordingly.
Your dog doesn't understand the subjunctive mood, and your
toddler doesn't understand modus ponens.
Seems to me that pretending they do just causes problems.