Red Ring of Death Repellant

As my third Xbox 360 in four months lays useless on the shelf with the red ring blinking, I consider that I might have accumulated a few tips for those hoping to avoid this situation. Now granted, I'm fairly new to this whole "trade in my 360 every few weeks for a new one because I'm riding the wrong end of Microsoft's passable yield" and there are certainly those more harshly affected than I, but this doesn't disqualify me or my observations. Fucker.

1) Do not obstruct air flow

This is pretty much a given with ANY electronic device that needs to vent heat. You may be tempted to pack the 360 away inside an enclosed cabinet or in a box filled with fluffy pillows, but the more air flow the better. The ideal place to stand your console is on the roof-mounted lazy susan connected to a rudder of some kind that can rotate so that the vents are oriented with the direction of the wind. Please note that frigid, arctic winds are ideal, and other winds will probably void your warranty.

2) Do not insert media of any kind into the console

When you buy the 360, you'll notice that there is no disc inside. This is how it was designed, and this is how you should operate it. If you choose to insert disc (DVD, 360 game, Xbox game), you run the risk of melting the unit. You may consider this a risk worth taking, but it is not at all recommended.

3) Do not press buttons on the controller

There is an undeniable temptation to press the buttons on the controller. I myself have succumbed to the allure of the brightly colored little devils on more occasions than I care to admit, and every time it has led to my ruin. Please, do not press buttons on the controller. If you absolutely HAVE to press something, I suggest pressing either left on the D-Pad or Y, as those tend to be the safest, but do not take this as an indication that it is ok to ignore rule 2.

4) Do not connect to the internet

If you've ever seen a movie, especially a movie made in the last fifteen or so years, you'll know first-hand that the internet is a repository for deranged sex freaks who will delete your computer and sell your identity to Russian identity slavers. What the movies don't tell you is that the internet also uploads dangerous "bits" that can damage your console beyond repair. Please, stay off the internet.

5) Do not use your 360 before having it blessed by the Pope

Not even Microsoft can beat God every time. Use this to your advantage.

Well, that's five things to keep in mind if you've got a functioning 360 in your life. Remember: just because it works now doesn't mean that you are ever safe from anything and one day you will die.