Mitch McConnell: On Grooves Being Back

Addressing a crowd of mother-fucking idiots, Mitch "Stella" McConnell said this:

"We broke out of the Washington Echo Chamber, and fought the government-driven solutions the Democrats were proposing. In short, you might say we got our groove back."

Ha.

HaHa.

SHUT UP!

Who in the name of Shit-Cock-Hole hell do you fucking think you are, you sexagenarian dolt? What the fucking, who the, what the, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING referencing a movie from 1998? THE MOVIE IS 12 FUCKING YEARS OLD YOU SENILE SHIT!

What, do you want to talk about how you Don't Wanna Miss A Thing when the Republicans make a Deep Impact in November? You want to call Obama the devil or suggest that his ethnicity renders him a Prince of Egypt? Would you like to articulate how you're watching every move the Democrats make as they follow the exit signs out of office?

Maybe you could discuss your plans to remake the current political climate in which Obama will suck the life out of us while we hold dear to the hope that the truth is out there.

Though, it's true that laughter is the best medicine and you'd give up forever to undermine Obama, we can't go back in time to prevent the Wild Things this congress does to keep the jizz in our hair.

STOP! Just, fucking, for the love of fuck. Just fucking STOP BEING AN IDIOT!

Ok?

You were fucking born in 19-fucking-42. Alright? You're not cool; you're not hip; you're not "with it". You have no idea what "the kids" are doing on their tubal interwebs. So stop fucking, just, just stop, alright? Just fucking stop it.

I can't take this anymore. I can't fucking deal with this shit; I can put up with underhanded political bullshit and obstrictionist jackassery while you attempt to deprive the impoverished masses of their unemployment benefits. I can accept the fact that you hate pelicans and luuuuuurve big business (the kids today say "lurve" instead of "love") and haven't ever fucking lived in the real world or grasped the fundamental rules of existence.

I'm fine with that.

But in the name of Fuck, stop fucking trying to be cool. I can't deal with it. Because you're standing there saying "We got out groove back" and the audience is awkwardly, so fucking awkwardly, laughing at your TWELVE YEAR OLD REFERENCE from a fucking...you didn't even fucking see that movie did you? You don't know how Stella got her groove back, how she lost her groove, what became of her grooveness. You couldn't talk for a straight minute about the attainment and loss of groves! And yet you're going to try to reference that shit?

Who are you?

WHO ARE YOU?!

SHOW ME YOUR GOD DAMNED THUMBS!

Stop fucking over-fucking-reaching. You're not getting the youth vote. The only people under the age of 30 who are voting for you are Bible-humping fuckassedly stupid virgins who think Jesus Pogo-Stick-Riding Christ literally made the world 6,000 years ago. You're not going to get them to swing conservative as a result of your referencing a movie for "the color'ds."

They never saw the movie.
You never saw the movie.

Shut.
The Fuck.
Up.


Just fucking stop being a miserable pissant whose desperate graspings at popular culture land in the late fucking 90s.

Ok?

That's our deal. I'll look the other way when you fuckheadedly ruin the planet. And you stop talking about movies made prior to the last two years.

Because if at any point in the immediate future you ask a crowd of young conservatives "What is Love?"

I'm going to fucking stroke.