Ophiuchus: Snakes are Wangs

A while ago I met someone who actually believed in astrology. This was interesting given how fucking retarded astrology is. Despite its idiocy, though, I am somewhat pleased by the news that there is a new astrological sign, Ophiuchus, and it happens to be my sign, which is awesome.

For years I was plagued by my status as a Sagittarius. Women wouldn't date me. Fate forsook me. And why not? My sign was a gay-ass centaur clopping around on cloven hooves. But now? Now I am Ophiuchus, a dude fighting a gigantic snake. How fucking awesome is that? And, I mean, for all I can tell, that snake is actually a gigantic wang; I have no reason to think it is not. I have magically gone from half-man/half-horse to dude fighting his own gigantic wang in the stars.

This is the shit dreams are made of.

According to science, or the International Business Times, the real reason the Zodiac signs changed is something about the Earth's rotation or gravity or something. But that's not important. What is truly important is what my new sign says about me:

Like Imhotep, Ophiuchus is considered a healer of men and a doctor of medicine or science. He seeks higher education and enlightenment. He is expected to achieve a high position in life.

Ophiucus (I) is (am) a healer of men, bitches. AND let's not forget that he's (I'm) fighting his (my) gigantic wang in space. Check it out:



Dude is wrestling his wang.



Check that shit out. Gigantic fucking snake-wang in the sky. Or how about this:



Yeah. That's...um...SHUT UP IT'S A GIGANTIC SPACE SNAKE DICK!

So laugh it up while you can, Christian Science Monitor. Astrology is silly? You'll be singing a different tune once we Ophiuchusesesseses embrace our newly found space-snake-wang fighting powers and...battle our space snake wangs...in space...or something.

God damn, astrology is stupid. But how great is it that the scientific explanation of the shift in zodiac signs contains the word "wobble"?