Dog Attacks: An Evolutionary Test
Apparently this weekend my Uncle was walking his dog. In the course of the walk he was attacked by another dog. The dog took out part of Uncle's lip and Uncle had to have plastic surgery.
Which once again raises my eternal question: WHO THE FUCK LOSES A FIGHT TO A DOG?
I've covered this twice before. And I'm NOT FUCKING WRONG! So, let's go over this again. In fact, let me fucking break it down for you.
HUMAN BEINGS HAVE TOOLS, SHITHEAD!
Human Beings are able to dominate other biological creatures as a result of the Human Being's ability to use tools. Dogs do not have tools. Dogs have neither guns nor knives nor collapsible battons nor pepper spray. Maybe you don't carry a gun. Fine. Maybe you don't have a collapsible batton. Stupid, but ok. Pepper spray is perceived to be for women so, ok, maybe guys don't carry pepper spray. But a knife? That's fucking evolutionary development #1 for humankind!! First we learned how to make sharp shit. Then we learned how to burn shit. If you, a human being, still fail to grasp your place in the entirety of existence and so fail to carry something sharp? I'm sorry. You've fucking failed.
Human beings have tools. Dogs do not have tools. SO USE YOUR FUCKING TOOLS, SHITHEAD!
HUMAN BEINGS HAVE HIGH-FUNCTIONING MOTOR SKILLS, SHITHEAD!
This one has two parts
Part 1: Dogs hurt you with their teeth.
If we had a diagram of a dog the part with the little "Danger!" sign would be the snout. That's it. A dog won't wag you to death. A dog won't paw you to death. A dog's going to fucking bite you; this is what a dog does. So, really, if you're attacked by a dog? You have maybe 6 inches, in a really fucking big dog, which you have to avoid. How the fuck hard is it to avoid six inches?
Moreover? That six inches is merely bone. We're not talking about fighting wolverine. All you have to do is either avoid the dog's jaw or crush the dog's jaw. How the fuck hard can it be to avoid a dog's jaw or, let's say in the worst case scenario, break a dog's jaw? You know what? Breaking isn't even a sensible strategy. Just fucking punch the damn thing in the nose. You, a human being, have high-funtioning motor skills. You can identify "nose". So all you have to do is punch the fucking nose. This is not a difficult task to perform.
Part 2: Your skeleton > dog's skeleton.
Human beings have far greater mobility when it comes to grappling than dogs. Your spine bends in a manner which allows you to bend over backwards. A dog's spine cannot bend that way. When you stand on two legs you are in a fighting position. When a dog stands on two legs it exposes its supple underbelly. If you cannot prevent the previously mentioned six inches from interracting with your face via a combination of your ability to kick and the dog's ability to have a soft underbelly? You fail.
DOGS ARE FUCKING STUPID, SHITHEAD!
Here is a video which describes the manner in which dogs attack. Note how a dog attacks:
1) Dog lunges for you.
2) Dog bites you.
3) Dog shakes head while maintaining a grip upon your person.
Dogs have innate traits which dictate the manner of attack. Since you, a human being, are fucking convinced that you have free will your actions are not dictacted. You, a human being, with a fucking brain, can modify your actions to compliment the situation. So here is a test.
Situation: Dog lunges at you. Do you
a) step aside and so avoid the lunge
b) apply force to the nose of the lunging dog
c) apply force to the exposed underbelly of a dog
d) cut the dog's throat
e) shoot the dog
f) stand there like a fuckhead
The correct answer is: ANYTHING BUT F, ASSHOLE!
Here's the point. Were I incorrect? Human beings would have died out to dogs long ago. If it were impossible to win a fight with a dog then dogs would have killed off human beings long ago. But you know what? Human beings dominated the evolutionary contest between humans and dogs. Humans have tools. Humans have high-functioning motor skills. Dogs are fucking stupid.
If you lose a fight to a dog? You're not just a pussy. You're not just a dipshit. You have failed at being a human being. If you lose a fight to a dog you have failed to employ tools. You have failed to utilize your high-functioning motor skills. You have failed to exploit the stupidity of dogs. You have failed on an evolutionary level.
You lost a fight to this:
Human Beings did not get to this point losing fights to dogs. So, I'm sorry, shithead. But if you lose a fight to a dog you're out of the species. I hear that the kittens are recruiting. Maybe you could be a kitten. They lose to dogs too.
17 comments:
OK. J. Step 1. Put some steak in your pockets. Step 2. Find a pit bull. Step 3. Lock yourself in the room with pit bull. Step 4. run. Step 5. attack. Step 6. Scream in pain. Step 7. Panic. Step 8. Have friend call 911.
until you do this im not listening to your hypotheticals about dog attacks. Stop making shit up and experience what you write about.
I'm going to agree with Andrew. You have obviously never been attacked by a large dog. Dogs are faster than humans, have a ridiculously high pain tolerance, and are fearless when they turn aggressive. Trust me, as a dog attack victim, you don't have time to think, I need to grab my knife.
Pitbulls can lock onto a target, amidst being beaten with aluminum baseball bats, and still kill said target. Trust me, you have no idea what you are talking about in this situation.
hell.... even small dogs can catch one unawares, and do some quad damage.
I mean.. if Maggie or Andy ever went all out (and Maggie didn't immediately then freak back out and cower)... they's got some serious Jack Russell Muscle. And furious speeds.
Actually.. the most jarring point of this?
Kittens don't lose.
Kittens grow up to be CATS.
and Cats are motherfuckers.
Oh, i have an idea. J, call your local police department and ask if you can help train the K-9 unit
I think you are looking at this like street fighter. Dog vs. Well equipped human. Sure, a dog can be beaten back with a knife and some knowledge of how to defend one's self. However, most instances of dog attacks are not pre-arranged and the victim does not know the attack is coming. The dog now has the element of surprise. There is also one really troublesome thing about being bipeds, high centers of gravity. When a dog lunges at you while your not expecting it you fall down. Let me throw a 40lb medicine ball at you while you aren't expecting it and see how well you stay on your feet. Ok, now your on the ground. You are now at the mercy of the dog. Sure you will probably get back up, but not before a few large chunks of flesh are gone.
Here's the thing. If you were all correct and dogs > Humans in terms of fighting ability? Whence our current situation? If dogs always only ever win then how are dogs not the dominant species on the planet?
Maybe I'm confusing particulars with universals. Maybe the answer is that the collective of human beings were able to devise means of defending their selves against dog attacks and the collective of dogs were unable to overcome those defenses.
But universals are compounds of particulars. So if 5 people with guns > 5 dogs without guns it would seem to be the case that even in particular situations 1 guy with gun > 1 dog without gun.
I'll give Jolly the "element of surprise" thing. But "element of surprise" is why one need think about this shit ahead of time so that when a dog lunges one knows how to act rather than in that moment having to devise the best strategy of defense. I don't grant the premise that "element of surprise" is some sort of universal trump card that always overcomes everything, ever. Even if one only has a second to react to a dog lunging one second is enough time to take a step to the left. And then all one has to do is avoid the jaws of the dog.
Mikey just raised an interesting point.
Mikey: Have you ever been bitten by a dog?
Jay: No. When dogs tried to bite me? I moved aside.
Also, I will add the qualifier that "children" will probably be torn to shreds by dogs in attacks. But fully developed humans of the 16+ age bracket can probably avoid dog bites.
It also seems to be the case that in dog fighting videos the victim is always running away or standing still. I've yet to find a video of a dog trainer who actually tries to defeat the dog.
That may be another integral point to this conversation. To be the dominant character in a dog attack one most likely would have to use lethal force if "avoidance" is impossible.
This is so damn frustrating.
1) By your argument humans should have died out long ago to lions, tigers, bears, etc. It is an utterly stupid argument that assumes all animals are constantly at war with one another, killing just because they can, which is an absurd notion.
2) Your uncle, while "losing" to said dog, is still alive, therefore "losing" to a dog does not cause a person to die, therefore human extinction and losing to animals in particular instances are exclusive of one another.
3) People and dogs as a whole have not been at war with one another, to assume that dogs would have killed us long ago if we were weaker than them is absurd. Dogs do eat Rabbits, Deer, and other herbivores regularly in the wild, but those creatures continue to persist and flourish. It is a terrible argument. Dogs long ago decided it was in their best interest to approach humans and take a submissive role, due to the humans' ability to gather food more efficiently than dogs.
4) Humans in the past 4 or 5 centuries have become slower and less capable of defending themselves because need has steadily diminished due to technological advances.
5) You make it more and more apparent that you have never been in a true panicked situation (i.e. being tackled by an aggressive dog). If you had, you would know it isn't as easy as "one need think about this shit ahead of time so that ... one knows how to act".
In a panicked or surprised situation, you will be almost assuredly acting purely on instinct until the situation calms to a point at which one may think of their strategy they have planned ahead.
A more important question would be, "J have you ever been attacked by an aggressive dog with no restraints?"
Apparently the dog which bit my uncle was 20 pounds.
To put that into perspective? You can buy a Butterball Turkey which weighs more than that dog.
And, as a child, I had half of my face torn off by a Cocker Spaniel. Trust me, I'm not surprised.
That was an ugly vacation.
Honestly, J. Maggie or Andy. 20 lbs. Of Pure Muscle and Twitch responses. and in Maggie's case? a faulty brain.
You all seem to be disregarding J's knife reflex. Any shadow in the night, unsettling animal noise, or twinge of the smell of aggression and the blade is out like lightning. Why, I once saw J cut the wings off of a butterfly and eat the body before I saw him do anything. He's merely making the mistake of equivocating his skills with those the rest of humanity ought to possess.
I'm pretty sure the J-tool of choice from the utility belt, in case of Dog Attack, is collapsable baton.
"He's merely making the mistake of equivocating his skills with those the rest of humanity ought to possess."
That would be my one fault. I have this hopeless delusion that everyone has the potential to be as awesome as I am.
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