Those are not, in fact, the lyrics.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, November 15th, this appeared on Apple's Homepage:
A day I will never forget? A day that will live in infamy? An announcement of such momentous importance and life-altering consequence that the date of November 16th, 2010 will be forever burned into my memory? You remember where you were when Kennedy was shot, when the Berlin Wall fell, when man landed on the moon, when some brown people flew two planes into some buildings that were in the opening credits to The Critic.
Yes, that never forgettable.
But what could it be? Speculation ran rampant on the internets. Was it an iOS 4.2 update or music subscription service? A new iteration of Ping? Would it be a new data center? Free iPhones for all, useable on any wireless network? Would they release an update rendering the Macbook no longer shitty? An intuitive user interface? Hypercard 2010? Did Steve Jobs get super-cancer? Are turtlenecks now fashionable? No one knew, but everyone waited, tirelessly refreshing Apple's homepage to be the first to know that which would forever change the very fabric of reality itself.
Some doubted the importance of the announcement. Some disbelievers maintained that the news would not be that epic, that this was simply a marketing ploy by an attention whoring technology giant ceaselessly squeezing the shriveled testicles of its enduring fanboy lackeys. But these charlatans and hacks were cast aside, their lack of dedication and appreciation forever clouding any appreciation for this momentous event. This high-minded rhetoric, this claim of an unforgettable quality, must surely indicate news of great heft and importance.
Then, uh, most people went to fucking sleep, because they have jobs.
Finally, the blessed day came; the day we would never forget. Our lives were to be forever changed by this unforgettable, life-altering information forever inscribed onto our very souls:
That band which wasn't very good but just happened to be in the right place at the right time, four songs by whom you downloaded off Kazaa in the mid 90s?
You can now obtain those songs from iTunes.
Apple: Lacking perspective since 1976.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What the name of unholy fuck is this shit? There is no possible way that anyone could construe this as music. It is simply nonsense with beeps. One cannot appreciate the lyrics, the melody, or even dance to it. It's just fucking noise. And then she starts bowling? What the fuck bowling alley would allow Ke$ha admittance? Bowling alleys have standards. Low standards, to be sure, but standards none the less.
And what the fuck is that guy doing at the start of the video? Is that...tone setting? Are they trying to establish an atmosphere in a Ke$ha video; is this a fucking narrative? Ok, some guys are douche bags...and now Ke$ha is singing about how some guys are douche bags. Great. Does this merit a song? What the fuck is going on?
AND WHY DOES IT KEEP BEEPING AT ME?! WHY CAN SHE FLY?!
Nothing in this entire situation makes any god damned sense. The video, the lyrics, the "music", the ANYTHING. This is nonsense with beeps. Irritating, irritating beeps.
But, perhaps, I judge too harshly. Perhaps there is some merit to this song to be found in the lyrics. Well, let's see...
Boy come on get your rocks off
Come put a little love in my glove box
I wanna dance with no pants on
Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox
Ok, first of all, "glove box" has never and shall never be a euphemism for "vagina". No. We're not going there. Furthermore, a "little" love? Is she insulting the male to whom she is addressing this? Is his "love", in fact, "little"? Why, in that case, would she want it? Does she need a "little" love ("love" means "penis") because her "glove box" is little? That seems like a medical problem moreso than an endearing character trait.
I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at
Unless an individual has a bizarre anatomy, the location of one's dick is relatively consistent for all males insofar as dicks do not randomly grow from any location. Persons will not have dicks growing out of their knees, feet, or chest. Dicks grow from that spot between the legs where the legs meet the torso. That is where dicks occur. But, perhaps, Ke$ha's problem is not that she thinks dicks grow in random locations but, rather, she has never encountered a dick, has never experienced a dick, and so does not know where they are.
I jest. Of course Ke$ha knows where dicks are. Because, I mean, come on.
Additionally, why would the guy need to "turn around"? If the guy is talking to Ke$ha, presumably he is facing her. And given how dicks work...there would be no need for the guy to turn around in order to afford Ke$ha access to his dick. The only reason for a guy to turn around would be...
So, basically, this song is about Ke$ha being a transvestite who desires for men to allow her to fuck them in the ass in a bowling alley? That would be the only explanation for why she needs the guy to "turn around". And, maybe, if she had a penis grafted on then she assumes all penises result from grafting. Maybe she does need to be shown where a person's dick is located given that hers is in an unusual spot.
Well, now it makes sense!