Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Avatar: The Blue Ones are Iraqis

James Cameron exists just to piss me off.

First of all, fuck Terminator.

Second of all, Titanic was not about the Titanic. Titanic was a romantic tragedy set on a sinking ship; the same god damned narrative could have been told in a film titled "Lusitania". Except "Lusitania" is a far stupider title than "Titanic" and torpedoes are far less metaphorical than icebergs.

Thirdly of all, Dark Angel. Jessica Alba as a super soldier / secret agent who doesn't get tied up? Fuck that noise. Even the jackasses behind Idle Hands realized this simple truth: Tie up Jessica Alba.

And now we have Avatar, the quintessential "God damn you, James Cameron" movie.

Yes, the movie is pretty. Yes, it is an innovative use of [insert name of technology they used which will be outdated in 10 years]. And, yes, the CG / Live Action crossover was impressive. But as we learned in the early 90s, graphics do not make the game; pretty, aesthetically pleasing shit is still SHIT.

Which brings us to the story.

I've seen Fern Gully. I have read The Lorax. And I saw An Inconvenient Truth. So, I get it, ok? Nature good, Industrialization bad. Trees > Painless Dentistry. And while that sounds great and happy and precious the simple fact of the matter is that we have iphones, atomic bombs, and vibrators; we aren't giving this shit up. In the exclusive disjunction of (Laptop V Daisies) we are picking the fucking laptop. And while this may piss off that hot little fairy, the Lorax, and Al Gore? They can suck it; we like modern conveniences.

So when Avatar gets its hippie on and tries to craft a narrative within which the industrialized, mechanized white people are the villains and the nature-attuned, holistic blue people are the good guys? You would think this would piss people off, right? The movie is saying "industrialization bad" so, you would think, people in the audience who live in an industrialized society would be irritated, right? Except, no, it does not piss the people in the audience off. WHICH PISSES ME OFF!

Why? OK. Here's what is going to happen when you go see Avatar: You'll be sitting there minding your own business. Then, via the narrative, you will slowly be lulled into a sense of sympathy for the blue people. Those big, mean, industrialized white people want the blow up the blue people's tree and, man, those blue people are pretty damn great! So, when the white people start throwing gigantic metallic explosive shitbombs at the blue people? People in the audience will boo the white people. And then when the blue people start to fight back and kill white people? Members of the audience will cheer.

Members of the audience cheer when white people are killed by blue people. Members of the audience, who are white, industrialized, resource-mongering, colonializing, imperializing, white people cheer when white people are killed in Avatar.


That's the fucking "god damn you, James Cameron" quality to this shitflick; the movie places the audience in the role of the villain. We are the villains! The white people in the movie? They're blowing up blue people for the sake of obtaining the resources which occur in the blue people's native land. The white people are going to war to obtain resources; they are killing native people to obtain resources.

Spoiler alert! The white people are European Caucasians. The blue people? The blue people are indigenous tribes, Native Americans, Iraqis. The blue people were minding their own fucking business when the white people showed up with their mechs, gunships, and smallpox and starting blowing the living shit out of them. So then the blue people fight back and the audience, composed of the descendants of the Europeans who kicked the shit out of the Native Americans and who are members of the society which went to war with Iraq for oil, start to cheer their little hearts out...for the Blue People / IRAQIS!

You enter the theatre with your European-descended brethren and leave surrounded by jihadists...who then get in their SUVs, drive to Burger King, and talk about how those poor blue people were just minding their own business when the white people invaded and started being assholes. Never, in the entire process, realizing that they, themselves, are the fucking white people.

It boggles the mind, really.

Look, I like trees; I appreciate nature. I like to engage in imaginative flights of fancy within which I drink from streams, hunt native game, give thanks to the earth mother, and fuck a hot little wood nymph under a clear moonlit sky full of stars. But I also realize, since I am not fucking retarded, that one cannot have both the happy-go-lucky natural lifestyle and a polio vaccine. And since I do not want to die of polio? I am comfortable accepting that I am the product and member of an industrialized society the functioning of which is reliant upon disenfranchising blue-people-hippie-fucks.

So when I watched Avatar? I cheered for the white people. Because I am a white people. I am not a blue people. If I cheer for the blue people? I am cheering against myself. And that would be not only moronic, but also exactly what James Cameron wants me to do.

So, I do not mind if you pay $10 to see Avatar. I don't even care that much if you like the film. But for the love of fuck, at least cheer for the white people. Recognize that the only reason you are alive today is because your ancestors did to Native Americans, black people, and brown people EXACTLY what the white people in the movie do to the fucking six-foot tall smurfs.

Because if you start empathizing with and cheering for the blue people? I'm going to take your shit, smash it in front of you, and then march your ass out to the woods with nothing but a bow and arrow and a loincloth. Because, apparently, that's what you really want if you think those fucking blue people are so god damned awesome.

Or I'll just call you a race traitor; that would be far simpler.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Danielle Fishel [chat]

Remember Danielle Fishel? That tit-tastic girl from Boy Meets World who we all didn't want to boink, and then she grew up, and we wanted to boink her, but then she disappeared? Turns out that she is hosting 'The Dish'.

And she can still fill out a sweater like no one's business.

Also, Christmas.

KITH: God is Dead

I have some good news.

And...some bad news...

Friday, December 25, 2009

Pope Sacked

And to all a good night.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Guitar Hero Everone!

And to all a good night.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Westboro Douche's Hates Our Lady of GaGa

Fred Phelps hates *GASP* Lady Gaga. I guess that means we must LOVE Lady Gaga.

To quote the douche:

"Art" and "fashion" are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of "lady" is sound only if she tacks on "of the night," thereby alluding to another euphemism of what she is.)

Who does he think he saying such terrible things about Our Lady of GaGa, may grace shine on her gloriousness.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Women Belong in [chat]

Family Guy + House

I like it very much.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Bayonetta: First Climax (The Demo)

So, Bayonetta. Google it if you don't know what it is. Stupid fuckers know how to use google, right?

Ok, good.

Bayonetta has been out in Japan for a length of time but not yet in the US. The demo is out, however, and not more than fifteen minutes ago, I was playing that demo. I had heard from other, lesser people that they felt that this game, from the machine that produced Devil May Cry (the greatest thing to happen to the PS2 in the early days of that generation) and Viewtiful Joe (the greatest thing to happen to the GameCube...in total?) was PANDERING to them.

I googled "pander" (stupid fuckers DO know how to use it!) just to make sure that my colloquial definition that lives in my brain wasn't too far away from what other people think the word means. I turned up some explanation about how it was yielding to others to satisfy them and that was all I needed to see. Pandering means listening to people and giving them what they want. Truly, this is a blight upon humanity.

Ok, so that definition is a bit...lacking. I would say that pandering is yielding and all that, but in an easy way that requires such little effort that it can be effectively performed by a disinterested wave of one hand.

So, hybrid definition of pandering is something about giving people what they want but without really putting a lot of work into it. In this case, Bayonetta is not pandering. Yes, it features a woman who is essentially 75% leg in a skin tight suit who (seriously) struts like a catwalking model when she perambulates, HOWEVER, there is not much about this game that says "it was performed lazily". This game would need to be a T&A conveyor belt lightly misdirecting people towards some sort of action and adventure genre at the same time to pander. I'm thinking of Dead or Alive Extreme (Beach Volley Ball (2)) here, where the purpose of the disc even existing is to get Christie into a bikini and crawling on all fours. Oh, and...uh....volleyball?

All Bayonetta needs to do to pander is have her exist. Mission Complete. Pandering is kinda boring, so I can see why people who think Bayonetta would be pandering would not be interested. But this is the guy who brought us Devil May Cry (awesome) and Viewiful Joe (So gooooood), and so it brings along a delightful action game as well. There are a surprising number of move combos that result in multitudinous animations. If I were pandering, I would not bother to do that. Besides, Bayonetta is a character who will, when provoked, roll into a head stand and then shoot angels with her gun-high-heels. That is not boring or expected.

I mean, she will pull a huge spiked wheel out of thin air, grab it by a spike and throw it at an angel, pinning it to the ground. Fucking rad. Oh, and then she spins around and kicks a spike, setting the wheel into a sort of burn-out spin, destroying the shit out of the angel below. Extra fucking rad.

Yes, Bayonetta gives you what you want. If you end the definition of pandering right there, fine, you win. Bayonetta also gives you things you didn't even know you wanted. You know sex and violence is awesome, but this game bothers to broaden your expectations. It is surprising and filled with delight. Definitely worth the free download.

I'd buy it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

House of Agglutination Cybermanuscript Reclamation Project

Yahoo Groups doesn't seem to have a way to pull the message history of a group down in a file. So, a while ago I whipped up a dandy little .vbs so that should Yahoo ever decide to do to its inactive groups what it has done to Geocities this important set of documents might still be preserved. It took awhile to run, and copied a fair amount of wrapper html from the Yahoo page, but I believe that was skill, vigilance, and a little luck I might one day have to offer you a version free of spurious content.

For the time being, if you'd like a copy let me know (the full version is about 9 MB, I also have a trimmed one that I haven't proofed only 5 MB). The .vbs (you'll surely note my genius) is comment #1.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Diablo II goes on Sale

If you were waiting for Diablo II to go on sale, now is your chance. Below is a screen shot from today's Best Buy sale circular.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

In which we [chat] about how much love/hate Psych...

....or hate/love depending on who you are.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights, please.

[a spotlight shines on Linus]
Linus Van Pelt: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]

Linus Van Pelt: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Diablo 2: Patch 1.13!!!

Diablo 2 Patch 1.13 Live on Public Test Realm

So, yeah, they have apparently been working on a patch for Diablo 2...

- Respecialization is now possible! Completing the 'Den of Evil' quest will now additionally reward 1 free respec which can be saved. Players who have already completed this quest should receive 1 free respec in Hell difficulty.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Maddow v the Cuddle you Straight Guy

This one is a tour-de-force

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

New Kids in the Hall

KITH reunite for a Miniseries

Tidings of Great Joy: The Third Funny Achewood

Recall how we gathered together in celebration at the discovery of the first funny Achewood. Then, patience. Unexpectedly, shortly thereafter, we were gifted that which was foretold in scripture: a second funny Achewood. Our joy was bountiful, our pleasure was great.

And then, we waited.

We toiled. We sought. We yearned for that which was promised, that which would one day come.

Lo! BEHOLD! Unto us is delivered THE THIRD FUNNY ACHEWOOD!

Will there be a fourth? Stay Tuned!

Hanger 18



I just can't come up with a word that describes it!!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Totally Underground

I am not sure which is better? Sometimes Saturday Night Live is awesome.

The real video:

Hume: Conqueror of the Klondike

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Cute Kitty is Cute

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Kant and Aesthetics...Comic Book Style.

I like Kant as much as the next guy (which means not very much) but I love shit like this.

Kids In The Hall: Communism

I think Glenn Beck is an elaborate hoax which strives to take this sketch to its logical extreme.

Philosophical Impact of Comic Character Religions

Religion of Comic Book Characters

If anyone would like to engage in a discussion of the religions of various comic characters with a slant towards the philosophical implications of the religious views these characters maintain feel free to comment.

For example: Does religion provide a core defining component of a character or do religions exist as tacked-on additions to suppliment an already defined character? Is Nightcrawler's Catholicism as integral to the character as, say, Shadowcats Judaism?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Dragon Age Origins

I spent this Thanksgiving break finishing Dragon Age Origins, and let it be known, I was not disappointed. Bioware has been the first company this generation to succeed in creating a modern RPG with a narrative that I couldn't leave alone. Other games have tried, but this is the only to succeed.

The leveling system for dragon age feels half-assed and boring.

The combat system in this game is fun enough, with an interesting concept of sustained abilities that have upkeep costs, that when running just hack a certain amount of energy right off the top, allowing one to have "sustained" bonuses, if you will. Outside of that it brings nothing new to the table. But it doesn't need to. The combat system is tight enough that one doesn't have to suffer through it to get to the story, it takes care of itself, while still allowing you to interact and not get bored.

The game's narrative shines so brightly, though, that none of the rest really matters. The attention to detail that Bioware has shown in creating their fictional world is refreshing and glorious. It is as immersive as any book I have read. The histories they have fabricated are slowly fed to you, in such a way that you get enough to hold you, while always wanting more. And to J's constant complaint, wondering why one would play an RPG rather than watch a similarly plotted movie, Bioware has shown that we are finally making progress on the RP part of RPGs. The thing that stuck out to me the most in this game was the choices one is forced to make. Dragon Age is constantly forcing you, the player, to make decisions that affect the entire story, most often existing with no right answer. Choosing the lesser of two evils becomes commonplace when trying to save the world, it seems.

I enjoyed this game thoroughly, and am currently fighting the urge to play it again and make some different choices this time around.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Where We start [chat]ing like the Chinese

"We need to start thinking like the Chinese. I’m developing a 100 year plan for America."


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Al Gore is going to Tape Toy Guns to Trees

Science didn't work, so he is bringing the crazy.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

[chat] and Tonic

It loves you just the way you are.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Free Speech and Death Threats

So I really like this.
'Godless' Billboard Moved After Threats Against Owner
I wonder if God told the person to send death threats?
Love thy neighbor, as long as they believe what I do.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I was going to wait until I finished Nostalgia to review it, but fuck it. I would rather eat this game than finish it.

Actually, Nostalgia is a rare treat for me. It is exceptionally difficult to have a pure experience with a video game these days: one where the game reveals itself at its own pace, untainted by months of advertising, magazine previews, and trailers. I had never even heard of Nostalgia when I picked it up and all I knew was what I saw in the first few pages of the strategy guide. A guy with a sword and a girl mage were flying around in an airship in a game called Nostalgia. That's all I needed to know to be convinced that this would be worth the money.

Hell, I didn't even flip the box over to see if it was 2D or 3D. This was going to be pretty great.

If any of you start talking about purifying crystals I'm crashing this thing into the nearest mountain

The Good Parts of Nostalgia

1) The World of Nostalgia is Earth

I am entirely in favor of this. Some details in the geography and especially the topography are a bit creative, but otherwise the layout is pretty familiar. When the townsfolk start dropping hints about how maybe you should check out New York, it's pretty easy to know exactly where to go next. None of this wondering around like a tard looking for some made up town.

2) All Overworld Travel is in an Airship

After like twenty years of coming up with dumb reasons for preventing you from having an airship, Nostalgia just gives you one right away and makes it the only way to travel between towns and dungeons. You don't even have to pay for it or do a quest for a leering pedophile airship captain. You just get one. It's genius.

3) Mage Weapons Actually Do Physical Damage

The black mage uses blunt weapons like clubs and hammers and the white mage's staves tend to have sharp edges. This keeps the white mage from being relegated to a rechargable herb dispenser, and allows for some longer dungeon runs since the black mage doesn't have to choose between using MP and wasting a turn.

The Bad Parts of Nostalgia

This is the most generic RPG anyone has ever bothered to let someone else think up for them. The young hero, sword in hand, goes to the sewers to gut some rats because the adventure guild told him to. There he meets the loner thief with a sketchy past and they sail the skies in search of more sewers with bigger rats or something. And then they encounter the strong-willed black mage girl who has a strong will and develops an abusive relationship with the loner pretty much right away. Then they meet the white mage with amnesia and I had to put the DS down for a little while. Since the title of the game is Nostalgia and the characters are so flagrantly reminiscent of any number of other RPGs, I thought certainly the developers would be having some fun with the cliches and we could all enjoy ourselves.

Instead, they completely embraced the cliches and regurgitated them with absolute seriousness. It's like they don't even know that Final Fantasy, Wild Arms, Skies of Arcadia, et others were widely available and played by other people. If they had gone the tongue-in-cheek homage route, they could have rewarded everyone for having played these games, but they would much rather punish us with their hopelessly boring shit.

The white mage is a mysterious girl with amnesia for god's sake. And she is able to interact with the ancient artifacts no one else can touch. Seven artifacts. Oh my god what if she is a princess from the fucking mythical land of happiness fairies and bears an amulet that activates the lost technologies!! Oh my god what if?!

Ooh and she and the main character could fall in wuv and have cutscenes together.

Shit, but she could actually serve a dark purpose!!! Maybe she is the harbinger of our doom and will one day have to fulfill her destiny but then at the last second choose not to even though she has been brainwashed by the mysterious cult!

That would blow my mind completely raw.

Unfortunately, I'll never know how Nostalgia ends, because it had fifteen hours to reach a conclusion and it flatly refused to. Patience over, get out.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Miley Cyrus: Party In The USA

And a Jay-Z song was on.
And a Jay-Z song was on.
And a Jay-Z song



2012: Apocalypse BUKKAKE

This review of 2012 shall henceforth serve as the template for all movie reviews, ever:

You know who I love? I love anyone who hated this movie because I would like to fight them to the death for being wrong as balls. Fuckouttahere. I wanna be on the 2012 thrill park ride, playing 2012 on my Nintendo DS, eating the 2012-branded chocotaco and watching this movie at the same time because I am greedy for this brand of INCREDIBLEBANANASINCREDIBLE. Everyone who says otherwise may as well have written their reviews on their faces in marker because they are obviously batshit crazy and should be ignored.

That is some military-grade hyperbole. I miss writing like that.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My [chat] Will Go On

Titanic Rifftrax is win.

Catholics vs. Gays

Gay marriage apparently prevents Catholics from being able to do service for the community.
Catholic Church gives D.C. ultimatum

So the Catholic Church threats to take its ball and go home.
And because i couldn't think of anything better...

Castle: Space Cowboy

Have not seen Castle. But i may need to start after seeing this clip:

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Westboro Douche's Strike Again

Come on Guys, really? Do you really think protesting outside the school where the presidents kids go is a good idea?

Clearly that is not the point. Westboro Baptist Church, or as I like to think of it America's Favorite Hate Group, are only trying to get people to pay attention to them. They are douche-bags. Everything they do something stupid. We write about it, make jokes about God hating Figs, post funny pictures of Fred Phelps, and move on.

But that is what they want us to do. The people of skid more did the right thing. They organized a counter protest. But what should we do? Do we keep writing about them? Making fun of their general douchebaggery? Or do we ignore them?

Also, today they are protesting at the Fort Hood public memorial - because they are douchebags.


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hume is dressed up as shut-the-fuck-up for [chat]oween

Hune on Hallow'en

He is to old for this shit.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Malik Nadal Hassan: Im in ur military; spredin mah islamofascism

You know what I love? I love stupid; I love those trial brands of stupid which somehow make their way out of R&D into circulation prior to being market tested and approved by the FDA. The "Crystal Clear Pepsi" kinds of stupid, if you will.

So, Malik Nadal Hassan, an army mental heath professional, decided to shoot up Fort Hood. Which, if you are keeping score at home, has all of the ingredients required to qualify this as a "Crystal Clear Pepsi" bit of stupid.

- Zomg Islamo-Fascists have invaded teh military!
- Zomg mental health professionals going crazies!
- Zomg we are teh under attack from teh inside!

The fantastic part of this story is that it allows conservative pundits to verbally attack the army. But, not the army qua army, but the tainted Obama-controlled army which allows islamofascists into our religiously pure armed forces. Remember that time when an islamofascist shot up a military base while George W. Bush was in office? That's right you don't. George W. Bush kept our army bases safe and now that Obama is president not even our military bases are protected.

See, that's what we have to look forward to. It will be spectacular.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bruce Willis vs. Surrogates

So I saw Surrogates at the Ohio tonight. The ticket cost $2. (I think that is the price for 12 and under, which I don't understand because it is PG-13.) Nevertheless, the ticket cost me $2, and I'd say that that was a fair price.

Anybody ever read Snow Crash?

Well, the real world is the Metaverse, Avatars are robots which people control with EEG versions of the Matrix chairs, Rife's Raft is a group of dispersed compounds which rejects the surrogate-ed lifestyle, wherein people do organic gardening, macramé, and follow the Prophet, who might as well be an evil George Clinton, and also, Snow Crash is a brain-melting wave-gun.

There is a kind of interesting/disorienting clip montage at the beginning that is supposed to news-reel one to the current situation. Then, somebody uses the wave-gun to kill someone, and so begins the mystery-conspiracy-steeplechase/letdown which is the rest of the movie. Bruce Willis is the same Bruce Willis from that Christmas movie that we all loved, although, it seems no one bothered to tell the writers that one-line jokes might be a good idea.

In the end, one wishes that beginning with such a premise would have brought this science fiction us elsewhere than (or, at least, by means of some sentiment other than that which might be found in WALL•E) a simple, Luddite fantasy world, but alas.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Demon's Souls: I'm a soul man

Since MA17 showed me up and put up two reviews since I said I would put one up for this game, I'll relent and throw another half assed review out here. Demon's Souls is a PS3 exclusive that doesn't disappoint.

Demon's Souls is hands down the best game that has been released this year. No other game I have played before has been as capable of getting my heart racing and adrenaline pumping with consistency. Demon's Souls is difficult but fair. It gives you your chance, but if you make a mistake, the game will punish you for it.

The environment is dark and lonely. There are a minimal number of NPCs in the town/hub known as the Nexus, where you can buy gear, interact with your bank, earn levels, and venture out into the world. As soon as you venture out into the world, you are alone and fighting for your life. The levels tend to be cramped quarters with little room to dodge around or perilous rises with dangerous footing, and the enemies tend to be simple but effective.

The combat is actually quite simple, mostly based around ranged sniping, blocking, dodging, and attacking. It forces you to be patient and wait for an opportunity to attack, or else it will punish you, unapologetically so.

The currency of the game is souls. You earn them for killing enemies. This currency is used for everything. You buy gear and consumables with souls, you repair and upgrade equipment with souls, and you pay souls to gain levels at a polynomial growth rate. The difficulty in the game is that if you ever die you lose all souls on you, and can only get them back by returning to your body after the level has reset. Those souls then vanish upon a subsequent death.

The beauty of the game, however, is the multiplayer functionality. You exist in 2 states: alive and spirit. Both states allow you to progress through your game, but the each state gives you a different interaction with other players. When you are dead, you can drop a signal that will persist in every other person's game on the given location. Other players may summon you to their game to aid them in defeating the level you have made yourself available for. As soon as the level is completed you must venture back to your own world. The twist being that you can only summon other players to your game when you are alive. Becoming a spirit is as simple as dying, but returning to life is a whole other task. There are a few ways to do it, the most common is to defeat a major demon, a boss of a given level. Alternatively, you can use a certain item to do so or more interestingly, you can use an item that will transport you to a random living person's game and assault them. If you defeat them, you return to life. Those moments can be the most stressful, when you are trying to continue your game and are assaulted by a Black Phantom, and by stressful, I mean awesome.

Let me stress again, this is my vote for game of the year, and if you have a PS3 get it and play it now. If you don't have a PS3 ponder getting one for this game.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I dumped a few hours into Borderlands and ran through the first ten or so character levels on the day it came out. The next day, I sat down and filled a notebook page with all the stupid shit I hated about Borderlands.

No idea what I did with that notebook. I remember that I was mad about how the comedy is a heinously awful mix of references and recycled jokes. NPCs are just quest dispensers, which seems unnecessary since there is a message board where people post quests. The world doesn't make much sense and the developers don't seem to care if you even know what you're doing. Early on, I repelled a bandit raid on a town and then later found out that the people I was killing were bandit raiders, and the junk heap I was running around in was a town. Population: 1. One quest dispensing NPC.

After I made it through a few quests, I received a notice that the weapons store was re-opening back in town. I ran back to greet the new shopkeeper and found an empty building with two vending machines that sold guns and ammo. Apparently when the population of Junk Heap City doubles overnight, Mad Karloff's Fucking Gun Emporium can afford to plug the machines back in. What is this place?!

I let a day or two go by before I played a few more hours. That was when it finally (finally) dawned on me that everything I had hated and put on that piece of paper was meaningless because this is a multiplayer game. All the game needs to do is give you things to kill, levels to gain, items to gather, and a way to do that with other people. The fact that I was playing it single-player made me expect the kinds of things you find in single-player games, and that was stupid of me.


You get quests to shoot monsters or shoot people or, you know, turn on windmills and shit. After you shoot those things, they drop money or ammunition or new weapons. Weapons belong to a few levels of rarity and random modifiers of varying quality. There are a few different classes of weapons and proficiency in each increases with use (I actually really really like that part). Then you turn in the quest and get some more money and maybe another weapon.

This is followed by a new quest.

Do enough quests and you'll level up and get better at finishing quests.

It's better if you do this with other people. Single-player will just piss you off and make you sound sarcastic about everything.

Brütal Legend

The best parts of Tim Schafer games rarely have anything to do with the gameplay. If you approach Brütal Legend thinking "boy, I bet this open world action game with RTS set pieces is going to be a blast of fun!", then you're probably going to be disappointed. That's not to say that Legend is boring, but the action game parts are average, the RTS set pieces are simply functional, and the driving and open world aspects are merely present.

The great part of Legend is in the funny writing and badass situations and designs. Main character Eddie Riggs (Jack Black) can do some pretty awesome things, like shoot lightning out of his guitar and literally melt faces with a wykkyd guitar solo. He also has clever one-liners and is surrounded by people who do as well. Not every gag is a winner, but I didn't think they fell flat very often except through repetition.

The images in the world vary from good to great, not just through rendering power, but in design as well. Most of it is lifted wholly from metal imagery, so they can't really take credit for all of it, but the original work is strong.

Of course, if the game shines in the writing, scenarios, and design, then why put it into a medium that needs more than just those three things? A pretty good movie or TV series could fall out of a well-done trio of these elements, but they don't need the element that Legend is lacking: a compelling reason to interact.

There are plenty of WAYS to interact, whether they be the aforementioned action sequences (beating guys with your axe (weapon) and blowing them away with your axe (guitar)), driving sequences, RTS sections, and a scattering of other things. However, I can't imagine doing any of those things more than once if there weren't the promise of more of the good parts to follow.

I think Schafer games have always been this way, but it was a bit more difficult to notice when he was doing graphical adventures. Those games are almost entirely interchangeable except for the writing, design, and scenarios, so even though that's all he ever did right, that's all ANYONE ever did right in that genre.

I don't blame him for leaving adventure games after they died, but I suspect that his decade since then could have been better spent working in a different medium. Make Brütal Legend non-interactive and it would be somewhere between Metalocalypse and Tenacious D, but probably better than both. Leave it as a game, and it's pretty ok, but absolutely worth playing if it's the only way you can see the non-interactive parts.

Given the existence of the internet, I doubt that it is.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Health Care [chat]

Mostly entirely sick of the Health Care "debate" now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Glee: Don't Stop Believing

Racist Assfuck head of the British National Party on BBC

Nick Griffin, the leader of the British National Party was on BBC's Question time last night. Giffin is a neo-Nazi. This is part one or six

Guster: 11/4, Madison Theatre

So, Guster will be at The Madison Theatre on Wednesday, November 4th in Covington, KY.

Usually I would simply gloss this over as another Guster Concert I cannot attend, except that this is not simply another Guster Concert:

Celebrating 10 years of Lost and Gone Forever. An "Evening With" Guster: Two sets, one of which will be the album in its entirety.


I'm wondering if there is significant interest in attending this concert. It is an indoor concert, I've no idea what the Madison Theatre is like, and it is on a Wednessday. But this could be our only chance to see the entirety of Lost and Gone Forever performed live.

For my part, I am fairly certain that I do not want to die without experiencing this.

What do people think?

For your consideration:

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Do You Wanna Date My Avatar? - Live and Acoustic

Recorded at w00tstock v1.1 Los Angeles!

Philip Spooner: WW2 Vet on Equality, Gay Marriage

I am here today because of a conversation I had last June when I was voting. A woman at my polling place asked me, "Do you believe in equal, equality for gay and lesbian people?" I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her, "What do you think our boys fought for at Omaha Beach?" I haven't seen much, so much blood and guts, so much suffering, much sacrifice. For what? For freedom and equality. These are the values that give America a great nation, one worth dying for.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Queen Week

Rock Band DLC this week is 10 songs by Queen. The charts don't look to hard on any of the songs - but they look damned fun.

Killer Queen:

Under Pressure:

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fundamental Atheists....

Now I am no atheist. I am a firm believer in not taking a firm belief.
But I found this article interesting and somewhat funny and frightening. What are your thoughts?

A Bitter Rift Divides Atheists

Venture Brothers: West Coast Restart

So this is pretty funny.

Apparently the West Coat feed of Season 4, Episode 1 Venture Brothers was the first 15 minutes twice in a row. So instead of seeing the full episode viewers on the West Coast saw the first 15 minutes twice.

The Venture Brother forums over on adultswim.com are quite full of rage. According to many forumers this was "FUCKING BULLSHIT!" and "For the Lose".

More on this developing story as it develops...

Saturday, October 17, 2009

DragonBall makes young children [chat]

Dragon Ball removed from School Library for Sexual Content

The book, "Dragon Ball, Volume 1: The Monkey King." is laid out like a comic book, and in it children sometimes appear naked. Akira Toriyama's book, later adapted into a popular animated TV show, focuses on Son Goku, a monkey-tailed boy on a quest to obtain mythical objects called Dragon Balls.
"In cartoon format, it depicts nudity, sexual contact between children and sexual innuendo among adults and children," Holloway told fellow council members during the comment period of Tuesday's meeting.
Photocopies provided by Holloway detail several of the scenes.
In one, the protagonist, a young boy, pats the covered crotch area of a sleeping teenage girl before removing her panties. The same boy later appears naked in the bathtub and is naked when he performs flying jump kicks.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Captain Lou Albano, Darkest Nightmare of My Childhood Dead at 76

Kotaku is reporting that Captain Lou Albano has died.

Wrestling fans know him as the WWE Hall of Famer who managed more than 50 wrestlers in his day, with more than two dozen championships won by athletes taken under his wing. 80's music fans might remember him from his appearances in many Cyndi Lauper music videos, including "Girls Just Want To Have Fun", "She Bop", "Time After Time" and "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough."

But We know him as Mario from the utterly traumatizing Super Mario Brother's Super Show.

So, kill a kooba for Captain Lou, but watch for the bounce back

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Everyone Is A Sith: A Bright Spot

Do you know what website is freaking awesome? irregulartimes.com is freaking awesome. Do you know why irregulartimes.com is freaking awesome? Because they read our shit! Don't believe me?

By and large, bloggers’ coverage of today’s vital Senate hearing has been pathetic. Oh, there have been a few bright spots. There were articles from Everyone is a Sith, Constitutional Blog, and well, not a lot more than that.

That's right, fuckers. Everyoneisasith.blogspot.com is one of the "few brights spots" of...the blogosphere, the interwebs, blogger.com? No. Everyoneisasith.blogspot.com is one of the "few bright spots" of the world.

Because I read on a forum that Al Franken voted to renew the Patiot Act. So, I made a post about it. And then Peregrin Wood, the greatest blogger / hobbit porn star* on irregulartimes.com, found that post via google and linked it. And then Caleb posted "Shitass." as a comment. It was awesome.

Take that, Huffingtonpost! Suck my ass, Wallstreet Journal! Die in a fucking fire, Drudge Report! Everyone Is A Sith is going places! Places like irregulartimes.com, and the moon, and that one site that keeps linking our Miley Cyrus Tentacle Porn Post! Nothing can stop us now.

We're like the John Galt of blogs.

*I'm pretty sure that Peregrin Wood was Peregrin Took's stage name for his more "adult" roles.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I want Glenn Beck's Job

Man, sarcasm, plastic tanks, 9/11 jokes, needless glasses, MORE sarcasm?

What an amazing job that man has.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cymbalta may cause [chat]

Cymbalta may cause: Nausea, somnolence, insomnia, dizziness, dry mouth, headache, Orthostatic hypotension, Fatigue, Vivid nightmares, Increased sweating, Decreased appetite and weight loss, Blurred vision, Paresthesia, Disturbances of the gastrointestinal tract, such as nausea, constipation, diarrhea, indigestion, vomiting and profuse bleeding, Tremor, Anxiety, nervousness, agitation, Palpitations, Decreased sex drive or difficulty achieving orgasm, Impotence or delayed ejaculation, Hot flashes, Taste disturbances, Difficulty passing urine, Increase in blood pressure or heart rate, Cold hands or feet, Jaundice, Inflammation of the liver or hepatitis leading to cirrhosis if left unchecked, Depersonalization, Hypomania, weight loss, and Clenching of teeth and the jaw muscles

Friday, October 9, 2009

Developing: Obama Wins Peace Prize for Not Being Bush

From CNN:

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday, a stunning decision that comes just eight months into his presidency.
Less than nine months into his presidency, Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee said it honored Obama for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

Lights, WoW, Yes

There is an interview with Lights up on wow.com: 15 Minutes of Fame: Lights, camera, Death Grip

Who is "Lights", you ask?

Why, Lights is the girl in this video:

Lights is yes.

She is also the girl in this vide:

"Saviour" Music Video

Again, Lights is yes.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Franken Votes for Patriot Act Renewal

God Damn It

The Leahy-Feinstein substitute bill I discussed in my piece this morning about the USA PATRIOT Act was just approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee 13-8, with only minor word changes.

Amendments proposed by Sen. Richard Durbin (D-Ill.) that would have required that the target of a National Security Letter have some alleged connection to terrorism, and by Sens. Russ Feingold (D-Wis.) and Arlen Specter (D-Pa.) that would have eliminated the “lone wolf” provision that allows surveillance of suspects with no suspected link to a known foreign terrorist organization, were defeated.
Much of the justification cited by Senators who supported the broad surveillance powers contained in the bill was based on classified briefings from the FBI and Justice Department. Feingold, who drew different conclusions from those briefings, lamented that the information about how the Patriot Act has been used remains classified.

Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.), who in the past has expressed concerns that parts of the Patriot Act violate the Fourth Amendment’s “search and seizure” clause, didn’t say a word at the markup session. He voted in favor of the Leahy-Feinstein bill renewing the expiring provisions of the Patriot Act.

Update: Here’s the final committee vote:

Aye: Kohl, Feinstein, Schumer, Cardin, Whitehouse, Klobuchar, Kaufman, Franken, Kyl, Cornyn

Nay: Feingold, Durbin, Specter, Sessions, Hatch, Grassley, Graham, Coburn

Olbermann: Health Care Special Comment Episode

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Batman Wedding Theme: Reasons in Favor

Anyone can argue in favor of a Batman wedding theme; there is no difficulty to be had in saying "your wedding needs to be Batman themed". But it takes a true genius to create an arbitrarily long list of reasons for why a Batman theme is the best wedding theme. So, in no particular order:

Reasons why "Batman" is the best Wedding Theme:

- Everyone wants to see their wife dressed as Poison Ivy at least once in the marriage; so why not start the marriage with a wife dressed as Poison Ivy?

- There is no greater symbolism of unity than emerging together from a Lazarus Pit.

- A Harley Quinn flower girl walking with a Robin ring bearer would be god-damned adorable.

- Provides an opportunity to say "Let's race to the honeymoon suite!" without sounding like a creep.

- Once the minister is dressed as Ra's al Ghul he'll be forced to call the groom "detective" throughout the duration of the ceremony.

- Bridesmaids + Catgirl outfits. QED

- If you really treasured the friendship of your best man you'd let him dress as Nightwing.

- The Bride's father will, undoubtedly, hate the groom on sheer principle. So, if you let the bride's father dress as the Joker he can at least hate in character.

- Releasing a flock of bats is simply more romantic than a flock of doves, and it helps control the mosquito population.

- When the bride changes her mind halfway through and runs out the best man can exclaim, "Tune in tomorrow - same Bat-time, same Bat-chapel" and it will all seem like part of the plan.

- If while consummating the marriage you yell out "Biff, Pow, SHAAZOOOOOM" you can argue that you were simply "enacting the theme".

- Finally affords you a legitimate reason for learning the Batusi; could there be a more perfect first dance as a married couple?

- Limousines are stupid. Batmobiles are awesome.

- Allows for creative reformulation of the wedding vows: "Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Do you take as your lawfully wedded husband, The Bat?"

- Dude, Bridesmaids in CATGIRL OUTFITS!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Steve Martin v David Letterman

What happens when the two funniest men alive get together? Humor.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Atlas Shrugged: 2011

Atlas Shrugged is being made into a movie.

Were you aware of this? I sure as fuck was not.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Tardiness [chat]

"Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through all of your tardiness."

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Gyromancer: Oh My God

It's a Wonderful Day for Pie

"Look how gayly we run!"

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Public Option fails in Finance Committee

So, the Public Option amendments failed in the Senate Finance Committee today. That, in itself, is bad enough. But then you add to it that the Senate Finance Committee voted to restore Abstinence Education funding and I have no idea what to do with this. They vote against giving citizens the choice between a government option and private health care and then provide more funding to an "educational" system which seeks to limit choices and freedom.

They do not want you to have a choice in your health care. They do not want you to make an informed choice about sexuality. But...they're for freedom? I do not fucking get it. Hell, one of the fuckers in the health care debate pretty much said, "We are against the public option because citizens might like it." What the shit does one DO with that?

I'm going to try to not go off the deep end and make a bunch of "No We Can't" rants or be generally angry about this asinine bullshit. The problem is that, at the moment, the only thing stopping me is the hope that this picture has some truth to it:

And that came from a fucking gaming forum.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Glenn Beck cannot define "white culture"

But he's sure as shit that Obama is against it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

AP wants more probing

Someone at AP may be drunk:

Swiss arrest Polanski on US request in sex case
(AP) – 14 hours ago

OK, can you do some more probing? New York will want to know

frank's out today.

i checked already, and so did zurich. they say the question is irrelevant. he answered me with the quote i used, about we knew when he was coming this time. he's been here many times in the past, we think.

thx brad. aptn is aware, but unfortunately won't make it in time, but is hoping to catch tail end.

i'm pushing out another writethru with some more background details before press conference.

no surprise, new york is really hot on this.

they particularly want to know why now. (has he never set foot in switzerland before?) sheila, theorizes that's because they're under intense pressure over ubs and want to throw the U.S. a bone, but can yo ucheck with justice department sources there?

is frank around too, or are you alone?

u can tell aptn press conf 1700 (15 gmt) in bern at the parliament

i'll watch it live on internet

Sunday, September 27, 2009

William Safire, Nixon Speech Writer and Linguist, Dead at 79

William Safire may the the reason I started reading the New York Times Editorial Page in high school. Despite this, I still tend to mix my modifiers.

William Safire, a speechwriter for President Richard M. Nixon and a Pulitzer Prize-winning political columnist for The New York Times who also wrote novels, books on politics and a Malaprop’s treasury of articles on language, died at a hospice in Rockville, Md. on Sunday. He was 79.

Community: Spanish 101

Saturday, September 26, 2009

We are but [chat] - ROCK!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Kentucky Census Worker Hanged: "Fed" Written on Body

I can understand the merits of free speech and political opposition. But free speech does not allow one to exclaim "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. So, contemporary conservative pundits who essentially exclaim "Fire!" within a crowded political sphere seem to be going beyond "free speech" and rather are "encouraging homicide". We can have teabaggers and birthers. Maybe we can even allow people to legally carry guns at political rallys, maybe. But when census workers are hanged and 'Fed' is scrawled on their corpse? It’s time to tell Glenn Beck to shut the god damned hell up.


The FBI is investigating the hanging death of a U.S. Census worker near a Kentucky cemetery, and a law enforcement official told The Associated Press the word ‘fed” was scrawled on the dead man’s chest.

The body of Bill Sparkman, a 51-year-old part-time Census field worker and occasional teacher, was found Sept. 12 in a remote patch of the Daniel Boone National Forest in rural southeast Kentucky. The Census has suspended door-to-door interviews in rural Clay County, where the body was found, pending the outcome of the investigation.

I’ve no idea what The Right will do in reaction to this. Perhaps they will ignore it. Perhaps they will try to spin it as an isolated act. Perhaps they will take credit for it and celebrate. I’ve no idea. But what I do know is that shitheads like Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachman are anything but innocent with regard to the death of Bill Sparkman:

I get it. Feeding false information to conspiracy theorists and conservative survivalists grows ratings. FOX News exists to grow ratings and so profit off of advertising. I understand how the business model works. But FOX viewers obviously do not take the false information to be entertainment; FOX viewers obviously are not rationally minded political participants simply attempting to gain a greater understanding of the world. FOX viewers are shitheads. FOX viewers are dangerous. And FOX viewers killed a U.S. Census worker.

These are people who think “How many toilets do you have” is a threatening question.
These are people who think it rational to kill a census worker.
These are not people to humor and incite.

So Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachman need to shut the god damned fuck up.

*Update: Apparently it was a very poorly executed hanging*

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fuck Norman Borlaug: [chat] Patrick Swayze

Norman Borlaugh died and no one cares. Because Patrick Swayze died and is more important.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Community: Pilot

2:25 - I literally fell out of my chair laughing.
8:45 - Yes to that. God, yes, to that.
16:00 - Indeed. INDEED.
17:00 - Greatest Monologue, ever. Greatest Monologue, EVER.
20:20 - As well do I.
21:09 - I had one of those moments, once.
22:57 - I hope to one day be called a "brain wrinkler".
23:18 - So true.

So, this show is going to get canceled. Love it while it's there.

Screw the Dog: A pool playing robot

Eat that pool playing Great Dane. Hume still has Canasta.

Maddow + West Wing = <3

The first two minutes and fifteen seconds are worth two minutes and fifteen seconds of your time.

Maddow: Southern women's Health Care

This segment is worth 2:42 of your time.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Nickelback covering Super Bon Bon

It's so bad that I had to share it.

Fucking Nickelback fucking sucks.

Monday, September 14, 2009

To Patrick Swyaze, Thanks For Everything. -Kyle Brown

Patrick Swayze died tonight. He lost his fight against pancreatic cancer. His career speaks for itself. I'll miss him.

"Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?"


You will always be like the wind.

Kanye West is a Fucking Moron

I assume that all of you watched the MTV VMAs and saw Kanye West totally disrespect Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech. Well, rest assured, Kanye apologized to Taylor Swift in a blog post which seems to have been taken down from his awesome blog.

Kanye's Apology:


I can't stop laughing.

Creation: The United States is STUPID

So, yeah. A British film about Charles Darwin starring Paul Bettany (the albino from Da Vinci Code) will not be shown in the United States for reasons you can probably already guess:

US distributors have resolutely passed on a film which will prove hugely divisive in a country where, according to a Gallup poll conducted in February, only 39 per cent of Americans believe in the theory of evolution.

What is most bizzare is that the movie focuses upon the internal conflict Darwin experienced between his faith and his work. So a movie that might provide a sensible insight into contemporary issues in the United States of Retardation will be neither shown nor viewed because "ZOMG EVOLUTION".

It's really quite a tragety, though. I mean, this would have provided a delightful distraction for Glenn Beck and the FOX News crew. Schools in the south and midwest could have used this as another sign of the "War On Jesus", or whatever the fuck they call it now. This could have sparked a brand new debate in the south and brought about a few more laws which require the teaching of Creationism in the classroom. And shitheaded cockgobblers could have had something new to protest after getting their flu shots.

But what saddens me the most is that this looks like a really good movie. So to watch it I'll have to order it from another country; but I have no desire to pay the required shipping fees.

It is the year 2009. And after 150 years we are still arguing over Darwin's finches. Because, of course, Jesus made every single one of the little fuckers. And H1N1. Remember how Jesus made H1N1? Yeah. Hopped right on the Ark with Noah and his labradoodle.

Fuck Shitting Damn It All.

edit my mikey:
labradoodle and his virus.jpg

Brandon Stokley Caught a Ball


Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Ultimate [chat]down of Ultimate Destiny

Since last week I missed out on posting Orson Wells talking about grammar, here is another classic internet video.

I lay down the Canine Challenge

Until Hume or Bowser can do this? They must train.

Dokken vs Chicken: Norton Antivirus Commercial

Shitty product. AWESOME commercial.

Beeker Goes Off

The Muppet Show gets a little blue...