Saturday, November 22, 2008

[chat] of the Lich King

I think Obama might just replace Bartlett MY President.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Olympic Pole Dancing: It's a Penis, You Know

Utah studio wants pole dancing in Olympics

So, apparently, there is a movement to make Pole Dancing an Olympic sport:
"This takes grace, fluidity and strength. It's on par with ice skating and everything else in the Olympics," said Lorinda Coombs, co-owner of Studio Soiree. Said Lizz Schofield, the owner of a Pole Dancing Studio, "it's not stripping at all." The article in question also has quotes from a mother of four who engaged in pole dancing "for the workout".

Yeah. Um... You see...

The pole is a cock.


And, you know, I hate to be the guy to break that to you; I hate to "go all Freudian on you". But you're dancing with a cock. Granted, it is a cock which extends from the floor to the ceiling (much like my own) but it's still a big, rigid, metal cock. And you're doing this in a room full of other women who are, you know, all dancing with erect metal cocks.

And I'm not trying to dissuade you from your cock dancing; I think it is terrific. And I'm not even going to dissuade you from attempting to make metal-cock dancing an Olympic sport. I think your enterprise is fucking (to pardon the pun) hilarious.

But I just thought you should know that "pole dancing" is, in fact "metal, rigid, erect, cock dancing".

And that's not even a subjective interpretation which fails to grasp the deep, penetrating history of pole dancing which has climaxed into its current popularity. It's actually an accurate statement of fact: You're dancing with a big metal cock. So, you know, have fun with that.

And also?" This takes grace, fluidity and strength"? You know what else takes grace, fluidity, and strength? Fucking. Fucking requires all of those things.

So you might want to modify your argument a bit unless you want to be indirectly arguing for Olympic fucking. I don't think you should modify your argument at all to be perfectly honest. Hell, I'd probably watch the Olympics if fucking were a competition. Especially if it were the winter Olympics.

But, yeah, you're dancing with an erect metal cock.

Just FYI.

Ozzy Warcraft Commercial

What's your fucking game?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The American AKIRA

Submitted for consideration and reflection

George W. Bush G20 Hand Shaking

You know, I dislike George W. Bush. I disagree with him on pretty much everything and think that, as a human being, he fails on more than one level.

But it's one thing to attack a person's positions. It's one thing to critique a person's job performance. It's one thing to critique a person's lifestyle. It's one thing to objectively assess an individual's intelligence. It's one thing to dismantle one's ideologies via logic, rational thought, and empiricism.

But making fun of a guy for not being popular with world leaders? Mocking a guy for his social status? Saying that the President of the United States is like "the guy with cooties"?

That's pretty god damned low. It's like a new degree of juvenile.

I'll call George W. Bush a cocaine addicted dolt whose lack of intelligence is matched only by his inability to clearlly articulate a thought. But I'm not going to make fun of him for not getting a handshake at a gathering of world leaders.

That's just mean.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Zero Punctuation: Fallout 3

Sprinkles make the cupcake, don't you think?

This could be the greatest Daily Show segment ever

No, Seriously, Life is Meaningless

I don't think you've watched this enough yet.

Chairs in cars...

For everyone's amazement, here is a photo of a chair Caleb and I got into his car. Any theories as to how we got it in there?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

WOTLK 70 -75 Review: FUCK STORY!

So, this was part of my initial review of WOTLK:
From the title on WOTLK defines its theme: Wrath of the Lich King. This expansion is about the Lich King. The trailer, art, new hero class (Death Knight), continent, and quest stories are about the Lich King. The entire feel of the expansion is Lich King; playing the expansion feels like a build up to a final confrontation with the Lich King.

Initially my appreciation of WOTLK was focused upon its coherent presentation of story and its ability to define and stick to a theme. After today, though, that view was shot to hell. Here's what happened.

I logged in to do my daily quest for the walrus people. You see, if I become exalted with the walrus people then they will sell me an epic fishing pole and a penguin pet. The fishing pole will help me fish; the penguin pet will keep me warm at night. So I do their daily quest to gain reputation. What is the daily quest? Well, you see, the walrus people are at war with the badger people. So the walrus people want me to steal 12 baby badger people so that I don't know why because that information appears before the summary quest text, which is all I read. So I go steal the 12 baby badger people and give them to the walrus person. He gives me 20k experience and some amount of reputation. Huzzah, I'm that much closer to my fishing pole and penguin pet. Upon completing this quest I head off to do more quests.

That's where the trouble started.

So I'm going along doing quests as usual. Except after I turn in this certain quest the screen goes black and suddenly an FMV starts playing. In the FMV a bunch of alliance people I don't know are fighting a bunch of somethings. Then some orcs show up. After they say some words (apparently orcs can talk to humans now) the alliance human yells something at the castle (which is weird, because castles, as I understand it, lack ears). The gates open and the Lich King comes out. And I know it's the Lich King because it's the guy from the trailer and the box art.


So the lich king kills the orc guy (zomg noes!) and then the lich king is about to kill the alliance guy, except then some third guy shows up and sprays green shit all over everyone. Then the Lich King walks away, the human guy dies, and a bunch of dragons fly in and plant some flowers. Then the FMV ends, my screen goes back to the regular display, a bunch of NPCs are running around screeming, my framerate drops to 2, and after about 3 minutes my game crashes.

Confused? Well, you're not half as confused as I was.

WHO THE FUCK WERE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE?! What the fuck is going on? I started out the day catching baby badger people for the walrus people and suddenly I'm involved in an epic struggle against the Lich King who is being fought by some alliance fuckhead and a horde guy i've never heard of who is now dead? And who the fuck is that third guy? And why the HELL do dragons come and plant flowers? Are these magical Horticulture dragons?!

Here's my point: FUCK STORY!

I could appreciate Blizzard's attempt to articulate a deep and rich story which draws from an wealth of source material if the game were structured to support such a story, if the gameplay experience were such that a player was compelled to continue playing as a result of an appreciation and yearning to discover what happens next. But WoW is not Parasite Eve. WoW is not Final Fantasy. WoW is a Massively-Fucking-Multiplayer-Fucking-RPG; WoW is a quest grinding, loot attaining, currency amassing time waster. This is what the game IS! WoW is not a vehicle for rich storytelling. WoW is not a tapestry upon which a compelling tale may be told.

WoW is doing daily quests for the walrus people to get the fishing pole and the penguin pet. WoW is running Hyjal 1,000 times to get a hat.

And when Blizzard attempts to enmesh walrus people rep grinds with FMVs starring fuck-all-if-i-know-who battling "that guy from the box art" I think we have a fundamental conflict of game design going on. Blizzard cannot reasonably expect to present a person with the prospect of grinding a quest 47 fucking times in order to amass the reputation required to be exalted with the Walrus people AND expect a player to delve into the "storyline" of the expansion. That is simply not reasonable; that is neither consistant nor coherent. I cannot be the savior of a people who brings about peace by destroying the Lich King once and for all if after I kill him he respawns and I kill him again the next week in the hope of him dropping something else.

Either WoW is a vehicle for telling a story (so remove the grindfest) or WoW is a grindfest focused upon increasing one's numbers (so remove the story); it cannot be both.

Because when it tries to be both? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!