An Onion Article for Caleb

This Onion Article seems to have been written just for Caleb:

Last Of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start Of Spring:

In a familiar sign that spring is just around the corner, animal shelters across the nation announced this week that they have put down the last batch of dogs that were given as Christmas gifts in 2008.

It's funny because it's true.

Japan Earthquake / Tsunami [chat]

You could almost say that March 11, 2011 is a date which will live in infamy.

Edit: It's funny, because I was actually joking.

Billy Corgan: w/out hair vs. with hair

I propose the thesis that Billy Corgan is better with hair.

1993


Fuck if I know the date


1996; eat a dick you fucking purist


Later, presumably; god, fuck you


Yeah. Totes better w/ hair.

"w/" means "with".

Pepsi Throwback: PERMANENT

Pepsi Throwback Becomes Permanent

Yes.

Yes.

Rob Lowe Speaks Truth

Larry Kudlow: Human Toll vs. Economic Toll

Every day, jackasses on television say heartless, self-centered, unthinking things the evil and maliciousness of which would compel anyone with a heart and mind to form a good, old fashioned, lynchin’ mob. Unfortunately, since most of these comments concern topics that are not immediately emotionally gripping, they are brushed aside as instances of everyday sensationalism. “No one could really think that,” we tell ourselves, “so it must be a marketing gimmick or ratings ploy.”

Yet when an event such as the Earthquake / Tsunami in Japan occurs, it provides a difference in kind, a deviation from the norm, of such a degree that we pay attention to how our television anchors react to it. It is one thing to sensationalize everyday suffering. But when something happens the magnitude and severity of which actually changes the structure of our world we have an opportunity to remove our veils of emotional estrangement and be genuine.

The upshot of this is that a sociopath like Larry Kudlow can neither understand nor feel emotion. So when shit happens and no one remembers to send him a memo to “Not be a fucking jackass on live television.” we get amazing spectacles such as this:

"The human toll here looks to be much worse than the economic toll and we can be grateful for that."

- Larry Kudlow

Translation: "Sure, 10,000 people are feared dead. But at least the market didn't drop 10,000 points."

This, my friends, is what we call perspective. And we can be thankful that Larry Kudlow remains ever-vigilant, as an agent of empathy and class during these dark times.

Japan Earthquake: Final Fantasy XI / XIV Offline.

10,000 are feared dead, multiple nuclear reactors are close to partial meltdown, and thousands are homeless, stranded amidst a landscape of destruction and chaos in the wake of the largest Earthquake in Japan's history. But the real tragedy, the ultimate suffering, can be found in the victimization of the 37 or so people who still play Final Fantasy XI or XIV.

Due to the continuous earthquakes occurring in the eastern regions of Japan since Mar. 11, 2011, the power companies in Japan have encouraged everyone to cooperate by conserving as much energy as possible as it is feared there will not be enough power supply. Based on the current situation, we have decided to shut down the game servers temporarily, and therefore to suspend services of FINAL FANTASY XIV, FINAL FANTASY XI, and PlayOnline temporarily.

A loss, an absence, a whirlpool of dread for those brave, brave gamers who proudly wade through two of the shittiest, shittiest, MMOs to ever be launched. For the glory of the empire their progress shall abate. Yet perhaps in this loss some hope can be found, in that maybe this will finally shake these individuals out of playing these horrible games for one of which Yoichi Wada actually made a formal apology:

While more than two months have passed since the official launch of FINAL FANTASY XIV service, we deeply regret that the game has yet to achieve the level of enjoyability that FINAL FANTASY fans have come to expect from the franchise, and for this we offer our sincerest of apologies.

He fucking apologized for how terrible the game is, and you asshats are still playing? God, have you fuckers not heard of WoW? Its servers are running just fine and in no danger of destruction from nuclear fallout.

If you actually spend time playing FF XI or XIV? Go sit in a fucking corner while the servers are down and let this news wash over you. I mean, you're waiting to play a game that had such an unstable architecture that a formal apology was made for it. Can you not understand the fallout of such an action? Are you drowning in denial? Ought you not pack up and move on now that your MMO home has been washed away? Is the tsunami of evidence that these games suck not enough to quake your determination to continually float through this seismic gaming fault?

God, what is wrong with you?