Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Twilight Rifftrax: Shit Damn Twilight is Stupid

If you want to understand what it feels like to watch Twilight: The Movie, then there is truly no better approximation of the experience than the Conservapedia page for Twilight. From the Conservapedia page:

When seventeen year old Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington she meets Edward Cullen - a perfect, smart, and dashing guy. She soon falls in love with him, but there is a complication - Edward is a vampire. He is one of seven "vegetarian" vampires residing in Forks. Though the Cullens choose to live off of animal blood rather than human, Edward finds that Bella's blood is incredibly potent to him. Edward must find a balance in order to love Bella without harming her.

The pacing, riveting depth, compelling narrative, and intricate story structure found in that paragraph capture, exactly, the Twilight Movie. Bella and Edward fall in love. Why? No one fucking knows; it just happens. Yet this love is not perfect as, "there is a complication". You're darn tootin' that there is a complication; quite a complication, indeed. For, you see, Edward is a vampire, and this complicates things.

I watched the movie twice, with Rifftrax, for two reasons. The first is that someone else paid to rent the movie and fuck if I'll ever rent it again so I thought it sensible to utilize the movie while I had access to it. The second is that I thought, perhaps, that a second viewing would provide a bit more depth to the film. If I knew what to look for maybe I could find it.

The problem is that looking for depth in Twilight is akin to looking for God in reality. You might want it to be there. Definitionally, one can argue that it needs to be there to explain phenomena. But in the end it simply is not there.

The Rifftrax for the movie are all that make watching it tolerable. The pre-movie sequence is, perhaps, the greatest pre-movie sequence of any Rifftrax. There are a high number of quality LOL points. And while Twilight is a vapid romp through tedium the Rifftrax sparkle through like a vampire standing in a sunbeam.

Below one may find a 10 minute clip of scenes from Twilight with the Rifftrax overlaid. I hesitate to embed it in this review for fear that after watching it one will not purchase the Rifftrax and watch the full movie. However, in the end I think that embedding this clip is akin to leaving a loaded gun in a toddler's playpen; I bear no responsibility for what happens.


59 comments:

Caleb said...

also: edward vs. buffy

_J_ said...

The use of the video from Harry Potter at the end was win.

Roscoe said...

Oh, God. Yakity Sax.

kylebrown said...

It was a creative use his other character's death to represent that characters death.

Mike Lewis said...

sarah is so violently anti-twilight she does not even want to be in the same room as me when i watch the clip

Roscoe said...

Cherish that woman, Mikey.

Grovel to keep her.

Roscoe said...

Ply her with all the boozes and coffees and chocolates she desires.

She has taste, you see.

_J_ said...

She has bad memories of the vampire she fell in love with, doesn't she?

Roscoe said...

Mike, have you tried dousing yourself in glitter?

Let her know you sparkle?

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