To the Time Travelers who Fuck Up My Life

Dear Time Travelers who fuck up my life,

Hey. How are you guys doing? We haven't talked in a while. Have your time-traveling dinosaurs been healthy? I see that you haven't yet killed past-Hitler. But I guess you have your reasons.

I still do not know what I ever did to piss off you time travelers but I can accept that for whatever reason you have made it your time-traveling-mission to fuck me over every chance you get. And that's fine; I accept that my life is in your time traveling hands. And I think you have to admit that I have never questioned your motivations, or your reasons for doing what you do. But I really have to ask you about this one.

Why the fuck did you guys make Olivia Munn a Daily Show Correspondent?

First you took Kate Botello off The Screen Savers. Then you took away The Screen Savers and you replaced it with Attack of the Show and turned ZD-TV into the G4 'Ninja Warrior' channel. And I was fine with that. Olivia Munn was not Kate Botello, but I could at least ignore her on Attack of the Show; you took away something I enjoyed but replaced it with something I could avoid.

But taking Olivia Munn from Attack of the Show and her Maxim photo shoots and plopping her into the Daily Show? I think that is a step to far.

First of all, the point is to fuck over my life, ok? I thought we were clear on that. You time travelers hate me, and not the entirety of existence, which will be that which is affected by Olivia Munn's presence on the Daily Show. I can understand your wanting to subject me to her idiocy in the middle of one of the few things that bring me joy any more; in that regard you have made an excellent move. But does the rest of existence really need to have their Daily Show tainted by this girl:



In case you can't see it, the image name is "olivia-munn-deepthroats-wiener.jpg" and it is from that one episode of Attack of the Show where they lowered a wiener from the ceiling and she sucked on it...on national television...because she'll basically do anything for the meager scraps of change G4 is willing to slip into the g-string of her dignity.

Moreover, why would you want to subject the cast of the Daily Show to her presence? These guys are comedians, funny people. And as far as anyone can tell Olivia Munn is not funny. I mean, sure, it's possible that she is a comedy genius who kept her material hidden away for fear of making Attack of the Show too funny, but my guess is that she does not quash her own humor for the sake of making Kevin Pereira look better.

Also, did you really have to sneak her up on me like that? I guess that part of the way you fuck with me is by surprising me, by hitting me when I least expect it in the most soul-crushing ways possible. But I was just sitting here, minding my own business, and then suddenly Olivia Munn is on the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart is talking to her, and I'm yelling "what the fuck is going on?!" without any clue as to what is going on. You couldn't give me a heads up on this one? Maybe sneak in a little preview or something so I would expect it? I know that you time travelers hate me, but this is a new low; this is like super-malice.

I know that I am not in a position to bargain with you time travelers; there is nothing I can do to stop you. But I mean, come on. You prevented me from finishing my school work in a timely fashion this semester, you ended a relationship I quite enjoyed in an incredibly soul-crushing manner, and you're still fucking over the Gulf of Mexico via that BP Oil Well. Do I really deserve Olivia Munn on top of all that? I have done a good job of dealing with the shit you've done to me so far. But a guy can only take so much!

I get it, you guys are time travelers. So once I finally snap you'll at least have past-me to torment for the rest of your existences; that is the beauty of your being time travelers. But do you really get joy out of kicking me while I am down? You couldn't maybe let me finish my work, or get over the relationship, or end the oil spill before shoving a facefull of Munn into the Daily Show?

I'm not going to say that your work recently has been sloppy; this has been some quality fuckery you've been dishing my way. But as someone who has been subject to your torment since I came into existence? You may be over-doing it a bit. Maybe you could take a break and time travel around for a while, give me a bit of time to get myself back together before you start fucking with me again.

Because, remember, you guys are the ones who can time travel. I'm stuck in my temporal seat. Stuck here watching Olivia Munn on the Daily Show. Just watching something else I enjoyed be ruined.

Yours,
That guy you keep fucking over with your time traveling.