Hillary Clinton: I apologize for 3%.

So, I owe Hillary Clinton an apology.

Now, it needs to be said, that during the Democratic primary Hillary Clinton was a gigantic fucking bitch. Her supporters were racists and sexists, she suggested that she needed to stay in the race in case Obama was shot, she was a god damned cunt about Florida and Michigan, she claimed that pledge delegates were not pledged, and her daughter refused to answer a question from a 4th grader, just to name a few things. So, I, and many others, gave her a lot of flack during the primary. And, let's say, 97% of it was deserved. Because throughout the primary Hillary Clinton really was a horrendous fucking bitch who felt she was entitled to the nomination and couldn't believe that some uppity fucking nigger was forcing her to campaign.

I mean, let's be honest; that's what was going on.

But then there's that 3%. And that 3% is this:

Now I could stand up here and say, let’s get everybody together, let’s get unified, the sky will open, the light will come down, celestial choirs will be singing. And everyone will know we should do the right thing, and the world will be perfect. Maybe I've just lived a little long...but I have no illusions about how hard this is going to be.

I apparently never made a blog post about it, which really surprises me. But I remember bitching about it, and I remember thinking ill of Clinton for it. The "it" was her constant degradation of Obama's optimism, her unabashed realism which met Obama's "Yes We Can" with "No We Can't". Obama presented himself as an agent of change, an outsider who could wipe away political entrenchment in Washington and usher in a new era of possibilities and advancement. And every god damned time Obama gave a speech, Clinton was never far behind with her implications that Obama was naive, that he was inexperienced, that he was well-spoken, but not well-equipped. Clinton half-assedly portrayed Obama as a potential orator in chief rather than a commander in chief.

And the thing is? She was right.

I don't know if you watched President Obama's Oval Office Speech on the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill. I can't watch it right now because I don't have television and the internet hates me. But I did read a transcript. And while the speech contained hope, while the speech cast our eyes towards the horizon of a better tomorrow, while the speech explained shit everyone with a basic functional level of sentience already knew, the thing the speech lacked was a feeling of confidence, a feeling of command, a feeling that President Obama not only knows what the fuck he is doing but that he is fucking doing something. President Obama said he will fix the mess. But, President Obama did not say HOW. And I'm not an expert on cleaning up oil spills, but I'm pretty sure the "how" is the important part.

I'm not saying that in the counter-factual reality in which Hillary Clinton is president she is doing a better job. But this speech is an indication of the shit she was talking about in the primary: President Obama can present great oratory, but he can't fucking DO anything. It's the Healthcare clusterfuck all over again. President Obama can give speeches, but when we get right down to it he can't fix the fucking problem.

To go off on a tangent, President George W. Bush broke a metric fuckass ton of laws in order to do stupid bullshit which made sense to absolutely no one. And he's fucking fine; no consequences shall follow him. Vice President Cheney shot an old man in the face yet the old man, who was shot, apologized to Cheney. But I'm supposed to believe that Obama can't shoot Tony Hayward, force BP to stop being dicks to journalists, or act like he has a fucking pair of balls? Come on! If this has happened on George W. Bush's watch, and he gave even the slightest shit about the environment? He would have shoved thousands of illegally detained islamo-fascists into that fucking pipe by now. George W. Bush would have called the Prime Minister of Britain and told him to get British Petroleum in order, and probably would have mispronounced "petroleum" while doing so.

Would it have helped anything? No.
Would it have fixed anything? No.
But I would have at least felt relieved to know that my President was not a god damned pussy!

In his speech, President Obama felt compelled to point out that Secretary of Energy, Dr. Steven Chu, won a Nobel Peace Prize. Ok, well, great; can we shove it in the fucking hole to stop the oil? No? Ok, well then shut the fuck up about it. I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock if every god damned member of your fucking cabinet is a Nobel Prize Winning Ph. D. who volunteers at homeless shelters and spends its weekends hugging baby seals; IT'S NOT FUCKING HELPING!

"My Secretary of Energy has a Nobel Peace Prize."

Whoopty-fuck-a-doo-shit; any other irrelevant bits of information you want to share that won't plug the god damned hole and bring those pelicans back to life? I mean for fuck's sake, Chu won his Nobel Prize for research in cooling and trapping atoms with laser light.

I'll repeat that.

Dr. Steven Chu, Obama's Secretary of Energy, won a Nobel Peace Prize for his research in cooling and trapping atoms with lasers. Ok, well, WHAT THE FUCK-ASS SHIT-COCKING HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH AN OIL SPILL??!?! You're not going to shoot lasers at an oil spill. This isn't an episode of M.A.S.K. where lasers just "fix things" for no discernable reason.

We're all going to fucking die because anywhere from 30,000 to "fuck-if-we know" thousand barrels of oil are torrentially gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has decided that "fire" is their new solution to the problem, and BP's ships are being hit by lightning hurled by the almighty Zeus, blessings and peace be upon him.

But it's all going to be fine, because President Obama's Secretary of Energy knows how to cool atoms with lasers. Woo.

I wasn't ever going to vote for Hillary Clinton. She was a tremendous bitch during the primary, and she deserved about 97% of the shit she received. But you know what? She was right about President Obama. He can give some right perty speeches, but he can't fucking do anything. She ineffectively implied this, she tried to shove a bit of realism into the election, but we were all so hopped up on Hope and Change that we had no patience for any reminder that we live in a world wherein words, cool as they may be, have very little impact on the physical laws and constraints of our reality.

So, I apologize, Hillary Clinton. I apologize for calling you a horrendous hope-shattering bitch. But I only apologize for that 3%. I'm sticking with the other 97% of the time when I called you a bitch.

Because, well, I mean, you really are a bitch.

Let's be honest.




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I CANS COOL ATOMS WITH LASERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking Christ, man. Nothing to do with oil spills.

Nothing.

At all.