Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens: It's really quite Terrible

I walked into Cowboys & Aliens with no expectations. I had been outvoted 3 to 1. It was not my choice. As we were walking out of the theater I turned to Sarah and Brian Jolly and said, "It of been worse. At least it was better than Indiana Jones 4. I could write pages about Cowboys & Aliens crimes. But there seems to be little point in that. Its plot makes very little scene. Things happen for movie reasons. Than the movie ends. Its that sort of movie.

I could talk about painful-orgasm face (Olivia Wilde) whose character only exists to play the titular part of the ampersand. I could talk about the only reason they had to be old-timey cowboys was in order to justify the tortured alien-ships-hog-tie-humans visual effect. I could talk about how the characters were so poorly drawn as to make it hard to tell them apart*. I could talk about all of those things. But its not the point. The point that these are problems that any wide release summer action film have. No one goes to see an action movie staring Bladerunner and Layer Cake with the expectation of seening deep meaningful story telling.

Here is the central problem with Cowboys & Aliens. The action sucked. There were four big action scenes. The attack on the town. The attack at the River Boat**. The attack on the gang's camp. The final batter.

1 and 3 are exactly the same with the added stupid "we're flying" thing. POF has flown before. Worst. The second was Spielbergian child torture. And the final battle was the same 3 stunts repeated endlessly. Despite being out maned and out gunned, the cowboys and indians don't seem to suffer any major loses. At one point the whole battle seems to come to an end while the character stand around and talk while their friends are being slaughtered. Inside the ship, POF and The Golden Compass seemly have no problems. The aliens just run and at them for him to kill. Its like the worst First Person Shooter ever.

I cannot wait for the sequel Cowboy and Alien. Worst.

* Harrison Ford's character was involved in 3 different wars. As a boy he was involved pre-civil war indian wars (which may or may not of been the Mexican-American War). As a Young man he fought for the North in the Civil War (maybe) and that fought in later Indian campaigns. Maybe. Its Unclear.

** Is this a reference to something? I think we are lead to believe that the aliens brought it there, but it is never clear.

12 comments:

_J_ said...

I didn't think the action scenes were terrible. I mean, they weren’t on a level of Michael Bay films…but…if Michael Bay action scenes = good, then that would make Transformers good.

My guess is that your problems with the film are more grounded in your not wanting to be there than the film itself.

And, yes, the aliens put the river boat there. Granted, no characters tutn to the camera and say "By the way, the aliens put that boat there, mikey." but, you know, how the fuck else would it get there?

Mike Lewis said...

I was fine going to see. It did not want to see it at 9.30 on a sunday night.

Yeah, Meg and Brian have to get up and go do workywork at my jobyjob on monday too, but the first week of the month is always a nightmare.

I do not need big over the top action scenes, just good action scenes.

You have to assume that the aliens put it there. The question is why? Was it picked up for its gold, than dropped. Okay. Thats fine. I can see that. If that were the case, one would assume that as they got closer to the alien ship, we would see more discarded things.

Also - this is going to make for a great rifftrax.

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