Let's assume for a minute that human beings are physically capable of sitting in a chair for more than two hours and 18 minutes. Then let's assume that there is enough source material to make a compelling, exciting, and interesting movie that could span at least three or four hours. Then let us assume that a human being, interested in the subject matter of the movie, could sit in a chair for three or four hours while said movie played.
Given that all three of these assumptions are true, what the fuck is wrong with the people who make Harry Potter movies?
They damn well know that people enjoy the series. They damn well know that people want to see these movies. And they damn well know that little kids have the attention span required to read the damn books. So at what point did some jackass in an office somewhere decide, "You know...they can sit still for the time required to read these books. But surely, surely they would not be able to sit still for the time required to watch the story from the books in movie form."
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I enjoyed the movie. But the movie was terrible. It had at least three montages. THREE MONTAGES to get through the story, to attempt to fill in the giant fucking gaps left by the crappy storytelling of the movie.
I understand these movies to be companion pieces, visual representations of choice scenes from the books. And in that respect Order of the Phoenix was good. The problem is that in smashing all of these plot points together the screenwriter has to completely change the fucking story in order to kinda sorta fit things together in a sensible manner.
I started listing things that were changed in this movie from the book. Not things that were left out, mind you, but things in the movie that were different from the book. And my list reached 15 things before Harry entered Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Keep in mind that's only "Harry is attacked by Dementors" and "Harry goes to Grimmauld Place". Fifteen things that were significantly different.
And that is from the arguably inconsequential setup chapters, the chapters which start the story. If I had kept going I would have had no problem finding 200 things that were different from the book.
Some choice these pissed me off scenes?
- Hagrid does not teach them about Thestrals. Harry and Luna just sort of find the Thestrals because, uh, Luna knows where they are...I guess.
- Harry sees Snape's memory not in the Pensive, but as a result of him deflecting Snapes attempt at Occlumency. Not only does this shorten the memory but it leaves out Lilly and most of the explanation of what the hell is going on.
- When fighting, wizards apparently turn into masses of either black or white smoke, depending on whether they are good or evil.
- In the book the Department of Mysteries it is a fucking labyrinth. In the movie? It's three rooms and a door. One door. The entire Department of Mysteries only has one door.
- The prophesy? The thing that explains WHY THESE STORIES EXIST? Yeah. Harry hears parts of it in the Department of Mysteries. That's it. You get to hear parts of it. And Dumbledore has a 20 second conversation with Harry in which he nods once, as a means of explaining, "Yeah, you or Voldemort will die...sucks for you"
There are at least 15 other scenes I could list. But those are the big ones. It's not all bad, though. The lady who played Umbridge was good. Her kitten office was, indeed, full of kittens. And, Luna was cute. So cute.
So if you haven't read the book? Read the damn book. If you want to see some of the scenes from the book played out on the screen out of order and with absurd changes? Go see the movie.
Just don't expect to leave the theatre feeling happy.
