Does Pickled Garlic go bad?
So I took this jar of pickled garlic out of the fridge tonight with the thought of finally trying it. Then I looked closer.
Best by Nov 98, indeed.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Fetus Soldiers.
Protect our troops - from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?
Plastic replica of an 11-12 week old fetus, 3" long, holding a firearm in its precious little hand, with an assortment of other military paraphernalia, encased in a translucent plastic ornament, with a patriotic yellow ribbon on top. Includes a metal ornament hanger. If only a womb were this safe, attractive and reasonably priced!
Show that you support the "culture of life" by buying and proudly displaying one of these patriotic unborn Americans.
Also available in a "Brown" model
"I Am Legend"? You are suck.
Apparently this is "reviews of movies I have not seen" week.
This morning I was watching the MSNBC and some guy was talking about the new film I am Legend. When describing it to the host of the show he said, "It's Castaway with an army of mutant lepers". Upon hearing this I froze, turned slowly towards the television, and felt fear overtake my entire being.
"Oh no," I thought, "they couldn't have..."
THEY DID.
In the new I Am Legend, Will Smith fights "mutant cannibals". In the novel? In the original? The main character fights VAMPIRES.
Ok. Who thinks that Mutant Cannibals are better than Vampires? Who makes that call? Who in the depths of their ignorance thinks, "Man, Vampires are stupid. I need to change the story so that Will Smith fights Mutant Cannibal things instead."
WHO THINKS THAT?
Mark Protosevich and Akiva Goldsman have writing credits for the film. So apparently one of them decided that vampires suck. The only explanation I could find was on the wikipedia page where it says, "While the infected become vampires in the novel, the film depicts them as "dark seekers" (Neville's term for them) who consume living flesh, with a design inspired by the concept of their adrenal glands being open all the time."
Bri-fucking-illiant.
Hollywood as a collective entity needs to have its "rewrite" liscense revoked. Beowulf fathers a dragon-baby? Fine, ok. But when they take stories containing vampires and replace the vampires with mutant cannibal whatever-the-fucks? They've shown that they are incapable of making sensible decisions.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Polar Bears Wearing Armor who Fight.
The Golden Compass will be in theatres this Friday and it will be the greatest film of 2007. I have not seen this movie; I have not read the book upon which the movie is based. So, how do I know that The Golden Compass will be the greatest film of 2007?
Polar Bears.
Wearing Armor.
Who Fight.
I do not need to know the context; I do not care. Are these polar bears wearing armor who fight real? Are they imaginary? Are they part of an elaborate dream? These questions do not matter. For, The Golden Compass offers me something no other film has ever offered: Polar Bears. Wearing Armor. Who Fight.
Other reviewers will attempt to distract you by focusing on the plot, the religious controversy, or Nichole Kidman's kind of visible bra. Some will go so far as to call this film the anti-Narnia, tempting reviewers to digress into rants about how watching The Chronicles of Narnia is indistinguishable from gargling rancid shit for 143 minutes and how your idiotic friends lied to you when they said Narnia was a religious allegory because it isn't a fucking allegory: Aslan isn't Jesus, the Ice Queen isn't Satan, or the Romans, or the Jews, or original sin, or Judas, or Hitler, or fucking ANYTHING, and C. S. Lewis can just go fuc
No...must...
That's better.
The Golden Compass is the greatest movie you will see this year. It might be the greatest movie you will see during your entire life. It is even possible that The Golden Compass is the greatest movie of all time, a movie against which all other movies are judged which fundamentally captures the human condition and succinctly expresses every being's most fundamental desire, man's ultimate achievement, and for each and every one of us the very meaning of our lives:
Polar Bears.
Wearing Armor.
Who Fight.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
More news from the "We are all fucked" front
Activision and Blizzard have said they will form "the world's most profitable games business" in a deal worth $18.8bn (£9.15bn).Link
US-based Activision also makes hit console games such as the Tony Hawk series and Guitar Hero.
Nine million people pay a monthly subscription to play World of Warcraft.
Good-by Diablo 3, hello Diablo Pro-Skater Hero...Expreme
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