Monday, December 3, 2007

Polar Bears Wearing Armor who Fight.

The Golden Compass will be in theatres this Friday and it will be the greatest film of 2007. I have not seen this movie; I have not read the book upon which the movie is based. So, how do I know that The Golden Compass will be the greatest film of 2007?



Polar Bears.
Wearing Armor.
Who Fight.

I do not need to know the context; I do not care. Are these polar bears wearing armor who fight real? Are they imaginary? Are they part of an elaborate dream? These questions do not matter. For, The Golden Compass offers me something no other film has ever offered: Polar Bears. Wearing Armor. Who Fight.

Other reviewers will attempt to distract you by focusing on the plot, the religious controversy, or Nichole Kidman's kind of visible bra. Some will go so far as to call this film the anti-Narnia, tempting reviewers to digress into rants about how watching The Chronicles of Narnia is indistinguishable from gargling rancid shit for 143 minutes and how your idiotic friends lied to you when they said Narnia was a religious allegory because it isn't a fucking allegory: Aslan isn't Jesus, the Ice Queen isn't Satan, or the Romans, or the Jews, or original sin, or Judas, or Hitler, or fucking ANYTHING, and C. S. Lewis can just go fuc

No...must...



That's better.

The Golden Compass is the greatest movie you will see this year. It might be the greatest movie you will see during your entire life. It is even possible that The Golden Compass is the greatest movie of all time, a movie against which all other movies are judged which fundamentally captures the human condition and succinctly expresses every being's most fundamental desire, man's ultimate achievement, and for each and every one of us the very meaning of our lives:

Polar Bears.
Wearing Armor.
Who Fight.

51 comments:

Mike Lewis said...

i am somewhere in the middle of the 4th chapter of the first book.

it is really good.

The audiobook is produced with a full cast. There are super fast torrents on the pirates bay

Kylebrown said...

I'm fairly certain you could label this a rant if you so pleased.

_J_ said...

I agree.

@Mikey: Is the book good, or is the production on the audio book good?

Mike Lewis said...

Both - the book is good, and the audio book production is good

_J_ said...

Terrific.

Have the Polar Bears wearing armor who fight made their grand appearance yet?

_J_ said...

In my mind they rip through the book itself. Such is the ferocity of their zeal.

Perhaps in the audio book this will happen by them bursting through the speakers. Or perhaps you, the listener, become a Polar Bears wearing armor who fights.

SO AWESOME!

Mike Lewis said...

they have not.

but again - for chapters in

maybe....1/10 of my way through the book.

_J_ said...

They probably need to establish the other lesser characters before the polar bears wearing armor who fight appear.

Sort of like how in Casablanca they had to established that there were...um...Nazis...and black bartenders.

I've never seen Casablanca. It had virtually no polar bears wearing armor who fight.

Lady Enide said...

Narnia is an allegory.

Also, this film is the anti-Narnia.

How do I know this? Because author of the former book made the former statement, and author of the latter book made the latter statement.

One really can't get around that. But, on the other hand, audio books are awesome. As are polar bears, etc.

_J_ said...

Narnia is an allegory.

What's that, C.S. Lewis in a letter to a Mrs Hook in December of 1958?

“If Aslan represented the immaterial Deity in the same way in which Giant Despair [a character in The Pilgrim's Progress] represents despair, he would be an allegorical figure. In reality, however, he is an invention giving an imaginary answer to the question, ‘What might Christ become like if there really were a world like Narnia, and He chose to be incarnate and die and rise again in that world as He actually has done in ours?’ This is not allegory at all”

An allegory is a "representation of an abstract or spiritual meaning through concrete or material forms; figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another".

Narnia, with it's "lion jesus" is not a representation of an abstract or spiritual meaning through concrete or material forms; figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another. C.S. Lewis is just a hack who was unable to tell an original story with original characters.

No?

“Some people seem to think that I began by asking myself how I could say something about Christianity to children; then fixed on the fairy tale as an instrument, then collected information about child psychology and decided what age group I’d write for; then drew up a list of basic Christian truths and hammered out ‘allegories’ to embody them. This is all pure moonshine. I couldn’t write in that way. It all began with images; a faun carrying an umbrella, a queen on a sledge, a magnificent lion. At first there wasn’t anything Christian about them; that element pushed itself in of its own accord.”

Aslan is not lion-Jesus; the ice witch is not the romans, or the jews, or original sin, or satan, or hitler, or anything. Aslan dies and comes back to life because sometimes it's neat for that to happen. Like Gandalf, or Neo, or a plethora of other fictional characters.

If Narnia was an allegory it would have substantial "figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another". In actuality Narnia is just a crappy story that occasionally steals from other sources of literature because C.S. Lewis was dumb.

Or, you know, maybe Mr. and Mrs. Beaver were Abraham and Sarah. And then Lucy was Hagar...

Wait, no.

_J_ said...

How do I know this? Because author of the former book made the former statement, and author of the latter book made the latter statement.

That's not how things function. One cannot declare a thing to be an allegory if we have an established definition of "allegory" and the thing fails to meet the requirements of the definition of "allegory".

I could spit on a piece of paper and call it the anti-Narnia but that would in no way make the spit paper the anti-Narnia much in the same way that my calling an apple a pear would not denote "pearness" upon the apple.

Andrew said...

Ah, this reminds me of an art work by an artist i cannot remember, with a title that may have never existed.

_J_ said...

You remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that might never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've been to.

mmmm.

_J_ said...

The First Five Minutes

So Awesome.

MA17 said...

Are you sure they're polar bears? I think they're daemons.

_J_ said...

I think they are polar bears in daemon form rather than daemons in polar bear form.

This may not appear to any other daemon as others would be daemons in the form of specific animals.

MA17 said...

So they are polar bears that are possessed by a human soul, and not a human soul that has taken on a polar bear's shape?

This is, I think, quite the opposite of what Wiki says about daemons in His Dark Materials. That is, that "a dæmon takes the form of an animal", and "A child's dæmon has no fixed form, and changes form according to whim and circumstance. As children resolve their mature personalities (approximately the age of puberty), their dæmons "settle" into a form reflective of the person's personality characteristics."

In other words, a cat daemon is a cat in the same sense that a piece of wood, carved to look like a cat is a cat, which is to say, not at all. I don't deny that polar bears wearing armor who fight would be very awesome, but I'm afraid that what this movie offers is daemons who look like polar bears wearing armor who fight.

"This may not appear to any other daemon as others would be daemons in the form of specific animals."

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.

Caleb said...

I'm confused.

Are they daemons who look like polar bears wearing armor that fight or are they daemons who look like armor-wearing polar bears that fight?

_J_ said...

I think it may be the case that they are actually daemons in the form of polar bears wearing armor who fight.

Or, damn English and its lack of a case system, the daemons are in the form of polar bears wearing armor. The daemons in the form of polar bears wearing armor fight.

The post may have allowed for this in:

I do not need to know the context; I do not care. Are these polar bears wearing armor who fight real? Are they imaginary? Are they part of an elaborate dream? These questions do not matter.

MA17 said...

Well, I care. I don't want to enter the theater expecting to see polar bears wearing armor who fight, only to find out that they're not polar bears. Not again. Not this time.

Of course, they might not even be daemons. I think one of them can talk, though, but that doesn't prove anything other than that he's not a polar bear since polar bears don't talk. All I know is that if one of those talkers puts on armor and starts fighting, I'm going to be pissed. Polar bears only, pal.

And Caleb raises an interesting point. I think if they were in the guise of armor-wearing polar bears, then there would be no occasion in which they were not wearing armor. That said, I'm afraid the only way we'll know for certain whether they're daemons who look like armor-wearing polar bears or daemons who look like polar bears wearing armor is if the movie contains footage of one of the daemons without his armor on.

Roscoe said...

And as such, Jay's sense of whimsy and innocence is dashed.

All becuase you took from him his Polar Bears in Armor fighting.


What the fact that Jay's Innocence is defined by vicious giant armored polar bears fighting means... well..

Jay's always has a kind of... wrong innocence, no?

_J_ said...

I think if they were in the guise of armor-wearing polar bears, then there would be no occasion in which they were not wearing armor.

Indeed.

Can a daemon wear armor on top of the creature form it takes? If that is the case then the daemon itself would not have an armor class but rather the daemon would have the armor class of the animal form which it took.

I wonder who determines animal armor classes.

That would be...Activision, now. Right?

MA17 said...

I would think a daemon in animal form's stats would be some combination of a daemon's own stats and the animal form's own stats. Mental processes might, for example, rely on the daemon's stats, while physical processes would defer to the animal form's. We might be able to get some hint of this in the movie if there are children whose daemons change form and are subsequently able to do things impossible in other forms.

I guess we'll have to wait and see about equipment, too.

_J_ said...

This movie shall be so awesome. i'm going to watch it and enjoy it. Then I'm going to meet some awesome girl there and she'll watch it too and be all like "Man, these polar bears wearing armor who fight are awesome!" and I'll be like "They're why I am here!" And she'll be all, "That's so cool. You're so cool and awesome." Then we'll go out for food and talk about polar bears wearing armor who fight.

Then she'll string me along for a few months and get some free dinners out of it before she dumps me, gets over me in a week, and moves to another country.

I think the kid's daemon changes from a something to a polar bear. In the 5 minutes available online she has a little bird flying around her.

Anonymous said...

But, but...

The Polar Bears aren't daemons D=

He was the shitty little brats friend

Anonymous said...

http://endoko.com/foro/topic/wwwlouisvuittonoutletonlineukcom-mn243?replies=1#post-79173

http://cycledrivenlife.com/forum/litchardloa/nov-11-2012/50720

http://www.cukni.com/view/post:421879

http://lamassecritique.free.fr/forum/topic.php?id=3192&replies=1#post-4780

http://miredsocial.info/index.php?p=blogs/viewstory/308258

http://surveyor-forum.co.uk/members/usahnmrda/activity/92695

http://www.ruengrat.com/forums/topic.php?id=515841&replies=1#post-551967

http://www.analblekning.se/forum/topic.php?id=19333&replies=1#post-23732

http://anushaweb.com/dev/ponglot/members/usaieasjp/activity/8056

http://newsminerextra.com/2006/iraq/forum/topic.php?id=10103&replies=1#post-12764

http://jennifercohen.evitae.org/?p=144601

http://www.linkemulator.com/?q=node/53938

http://donatehow.com/members/usaibfjhj/activity/10774/

http://monsyndic.info/topic.php?id=282047&replies=1#post-287258

http://pungirls.net/forum/topic.php?id=191573&replies=1

http://www.mymonda.de/bbpress/topic.php?id=11945&replies=1#post-18132

http://hackteria.org/bbpress/topic.php?id=26987

http://www.morbin.it/forum/topic.php?id=218238&replies=1#post-275803

http://urenata.ru/forum/topic/wwwlongchamphandbagsusacom-ab1775?replies=1#post-7776

http://inspidesign.com/home/node/286374

http://carnavalia.com.uy/blog/view/195379/wwwhermesoutletusacom--52126

Anonymous said...

mmqt longchamp bags ClcEku 8385
longchamp outlet htdq http://www.longchampbagspurse.com/ longchamp outlet

Scwjp njimxu longchamp handbags 1910
longchamp outlet mlqz http://www.longchamphandbagsusa.com/ longchamp outlet

dxfh longchamp sale ZrnSr paris z 5535
longchamp outlet hepb http://www.longchampsalepurse.com/ longchamp outlet

Zsbzy frjxjz longchamp le pliage bux7234
longchamp outlet rnhx http://www.longchamplepliageus.com/ longchamp outlet

Lubyd longchamp zlutpm
Fag longchamp outlet ry mrm longchamp paris qvc
Fnyul longchamp zyfh long champ xv longchamp sale hjczkn
Jux longchamp outlet vd gni longchamp paris gnd
Mzv longchamp le pliage bi longchamp bmu longchamp le pliage wyi
Tzh longchamp outlet cz fu longchamp bags f longchamp paris uah

Anonymous said...

http://dev.ajouli.com/taftamembers2/profile/usamixmixlim/activity/4043

http://d3xt.info/bbpress/topic.php?id=359&replies=1#post-412

http://www.slateblog.de/forum/topic.php?id=9054&replies=1#post-10845

http://stage.mma-fights.co.uk/members/usasdchwo/activity/172410

http://server.grul.se/paraplyet/node/89523

http://www.admintasia.com/support/topic/falconsjerseyusacom-atlanta-falcons-jerseys-98748857#post-38362

http://www.831surf.com/message_board/topic.php?id=175563&replies=1#post-185736

http://okki.pl/index.php?do=/usajloplkjs/blog/www-houstontexansjerseyus-com-318/

http://ashlandmontessori.org/talk/topic/falconsjerseyusacom-atlanta-falcons-jerseys-98748744#post-27259

http://www.jorgedieguez.com/commons/blog/wwwhermesbagusacom-104221

http://darylasmith.com/garnet/topic.php?id=82857&replies=1#post-94790

http://kmr.xii.jp/bbPress/topic.php?id=12360&replies=1#post-12899

http://www.hopearkansas.com/bbpress/topic.php?id=197139&replies=1#post-223421

http://www.admintasia.com/support/topic/wwwlouisvuittonoutletonlineukcom-hun138#post-38195

http://therubyproject.us/bbpress/topic.php?id=76240&replies=1#post-86671

http://usajloplkjs.ontheroad.to/show/www-houstontexansjerseyus-com-319

http://dpim.com.my/forum/topic.php?id=154286&replies=1#post-171113

http://www.blacktoothskateboards.com/forum/topic/falconsjerseyusacom-atlanta-falcons-jerseys-98748818

http://flatrentedinburgh.co.uk/forum/topic.php?id=14248&replies=1#post-16281

http://peekybooart.com/members/usakjimes/activity/112460

http://oceanstory.org/members/usamiamix/updates/1345

Anonymous said...

xanax pills 3mg xanax side effects - online pharmacy india xanax

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online can you buy tramadol online no prescription - online-viagra-tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol no rx where can i buy tramadol online usa - tramadol overdose for dogs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online buy tramadol 200mg online - tramadol youtube

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online cheap tramadol online no prescription - what's the tramadol high like

Anonymous said...

generic xanax xanax side effects menstrual cycle - 2 xanax pills

Anonymous said...

xanax online can you buy xanax uk - 2mg klonopin equal xanax

Anonymous said...

xanax online order xanax without an rx - xanax withdrawal twitching

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl urine drug test - tramadol for dogs safe

Anonymous said...

tramadol no prescription where to buy tramadol for dogs - buy tramadol 50 mg online

Anonymous said...

cialis cost cheap cialis with prescription - buy cialis online in usa

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol webmd - where to buy tramadol online usa

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#38471 tramadol hcl classification - order tramadol for dog

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg buy tramadol online usa - does tramadol hcl 50 mg have acetaminophen

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol can you buy tramadol in turkey - tramadol hydrochloride 50 mg get high

Anonymous said...

tramadol online cod tramadol 50 mg compared to lortab - buy tramadol online with visa

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight order tramadol online check - tramadol 100mg euphoria

Anonymous said...

ways to buy ativan online ativan withdrawal heart palpitations - lorazepam 1mg (ati)

Anonymous said...

lorazepam mg treatment for ativan addiction - ativan .5mg vs. xanax

Anonymous said...

http://staam.org/#21236 tramadol overdose coma - how can i buy tramadol online

Anonymous said...

vans shoes outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
north face outlet
toms outlet
nike air huarache
coach outlet
polo ralph shirts
lebron james shoes
louis vuitton outlet stores
nike roshe runs
nike free run
air jordan retro
jordans
louis vuitton handbags
juicy couture
jordan 8
christian louboutin outlet
louis vuitton outlet online
jordan shoes
burberry outlet
louis vuitton handbags
asics outlet
coach outlet
louis vuitton
michael kors
toms shoes outlet online
cheap oakley sunglasses
michael kors handbags
celine bags
ralph lauren polo
louis vuitton handbags
hollister clothing
celine outlet
true religion outlet
replica watches
michael kors canada
louis vuitton outlet
pandora jewelry
insanity workout
kate spade handbags
2016.7.2haungqin

Unknown said...

www1126



mbt shoes
tod's outlet
pandora jewelry
clarks outlet
kate spade outlet
christian louboutin shoes
michael kors outlet
ralph lauren polo
superdry uk
canada goose jackets

ceight said...

check over here directory visit this web-site important link my site click now