Monday, January 11, 2010

Darksiders

A few years ago, Culdcept was brought over to the US and virtually everyone who has played it has rightly described the game as being a mix of Monopoly and Magic: The Gathering. There is a bit more to it than that, but anyone who enjoys Monopoly or Magic (or is intrigued by the idea of a hybrid of the two) stands a good chance of enjoying Culdcept. It takes the fun and interesting ingredients from both games and turns them into something new and fun and interesting, just like taking flour, sugar, eggs, and water to create a delicious cake.

Drakengard is another hybrid game, combining Panzer Dragoon and any one of Koei’s endless string of “one man against an enormous army” games (Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Sengoku Musou etc). It took what might have been the fun and interesting ingredients of both games but didn’t quite understand how to mix them, resulting in a cake full of egg shells and salt instead of sugar.

I mention all of this in hopes of showing that it is possible to build a game out of parts from other games and either succeed or fail in creating something worth the trouble of doing so. It is easy to stigmatize a game for drawing too obviously from some existing well for inspiration and to dismiss it as a rip-off. I would argue that being derivative is not necessarily a bad thing any more than being novel is automatically a good thing (see: the Wii). All I really ask is that the game find something new and interesting for me to do or see, even in familiar mechanics, without falling to gimmickry. Even without creating something actually new and good, this can be done with anything from changing the tone and context of an aged genre (part of Disgaea’s appeal) to, in the case of Culdcept, putting old games together in a new way.

Darksiders is, quite unmistakably, a mix of God of War and The Legend of Zelda in the Culdcept vein. Like Culdcept, it takes the disparate but oddly complimentary aspects of both source games and leaves them almost fully intact, letting the unique flavor of the mixture create interest rather than attempting some contrived reworking of the individual formulae.

The God of War influence is the most apparent from the game’s outset, which feels almost like the video game equivalent of a shot-for-shot remake in film. It even goes so far as to cast Darksider’s main character, perhaps to acknowledge the influence of its predecessor, as the personification of War. If there is any argument to be made for Darksiders as a mere rip-off, it must certainly come from this first stage. It is soon rescued, however, when it is complicated by the Zelda aspects.

These Zelda aspects are most apparent in the subweapons that flesh out War’s arsenal. Their names are different but there is no question that he is essentially throwing a boomerang and swinging around from a hookshot. Of course, it wouldn’t be enough to simply provide these tools without also designing dungeons and boss battles that make good use of them, and, of course, Darksiders provides both.

And this is where the real payoff of the God of War aspects come into play. For me, it is entirely satisfying to, after spending an almost completely fruitless length of time trying to solve a Zelda-style puzzle using whatever tools I’ve gathered, finally solve the thing and then proceed to stomp a guy to death and cut off his cohort at the legs and swing him around on the end of my sword. Call me barbaric, but I absolutely delighted in the interplay between problem solving and ending lives spectacularly. The violence punctuates that “eureka” moment that comes when the solution finally puts an end to all the impotent head-scratching by following it up with a quick return to supreme power in battle.

That isn’t to say that God of War didn’t have puzzles, it absolutely did, but they were God of War puzzles, not Zelda puzzles. They were included to break up the action and give the player something else to do, I suppose, but not necessarily to stump him very often or for very long. As a result, the eventual return to slaying didn’t quite feel as good because I didn’t ever really feel lost and powerless first. Being an unstoppable war machine is more fun when it comes as a reward for being powerless but perseverant, I think.

A similar expression of this sort of thing is a part of most of the boss battles. The familiar work of nimbly avoiding incoming attacks while looking for chances to use your new equipment on an otherwise invulnerable boss is thoroughly Zelda, but I would say it is far more rewarding to finish the exercise, not by merely hitting the monster in his weak spot for the third time, but by then snapping off his jaw and tearing his heart out.

Link has had some great finishing moves, mind you, but I wouldn’t say that they are his trademark. I seem to recall a lot of puffs of smoke and explosions into little hearts following the killing stroke which was, for the most part, indistinguishable from any other blow.

In case you are wondering, Darksiders does not break off into a quicktime event for finishing moves. All the player needs to do is initiate the finisher and the rest plays out like a cutscene.

Besides the two prevalent influences that run throughout Darksiders, there are a few other clear inspirations, including a Panzer Dragoon stage and a Portal gun. I don’t think I’ve ever played a PD-style rail shooter that has actually been as fun as PD, and Darksiders is no different. The Portal mechanic, however, is still excellent. I can see how it might become boring with overuse and a lack of new ways to jump through one hole and pop out another, but I still think it’s a keen idea. I fully enjoy mirror and light puzzles in any and all forms, incidentally, so I suppose my thoughts on this might be somewhat skewed.

Also, Mark Hamill is in the game as the Joker as one of the monsters from Sacrifice (or something).

Darksiders gets ten railroad cars to the teeth out of a possible teleportation brain removal.

Sarah Palin joins Fox News

Palin to Join Fox News as Contributor

"Governor Palin has captivated everyone on both sides of the political spectrum and we are excited to add her dynamic voice to the FOX News lineup," said Bill Shine, executive vice president of programming.

I cannot fucking wait for the hilarity which will ensue.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

New years [chat]olutions

And so we enter the year 2010. Only two years left till the world ends.

Plan accordingly.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

"You just got your whorish face" or Humorless People Cannot Write Parody Songs

In a follow up to a post from last month, the asshole's of Westboro Baptist Church have struck again. Douche Master General Fred Phelps' granddaughter Megan Phelps-Roper has written her own remix of Our Lady of GaGa's ode to face-fucking.

Imagine: What if a tone-deaf and humorless radical Christian decided to rewrite the lyrics to Poker Face. This is what you would get.

You pissed off God, you'll see what he's got.
You ain't God.
You got a whorish face, it's a whorish face.
God hates you.


That is what you would get. This bit of terrible crap clearly knocks out Baby Got Book as the worst parody song written by humorless radical Christians



Saturday, January 2, 2010

End of Year [chat]

It has been another year at Everyone is a Sith, we laughed, we cried, we made the main content column wider. Basically, it was a normal year.

General Stats:


  • Total Posts: 379

  • Visits: 22,657

  • Pageviews: 34,026

  • Pages/Visit: 1.50

  • Bounce Rate: 75.3%

  • Ave Time of Site: 00:01:49

  • Top Content: (based on percentage of pageviews)
  • Hellgate London: 7.57%

  • 32 Gig Iphone: 6.65%

  • Cooking Bratwurst: 4.23%

  • Miley Cyrus Tentacle Porn: 4.09%

  • Top Keywords: (based on percentage of visits)
  • 32 gig iphone: 5.41%

  • helen a.s. popkin: 4.88%

  • everyoneisasith prostate cancer: 3.51%

  • hellgate London skill tree: 3.02%

  • iphone 32 gig: 2.89%


  • Webstats - Everyone Is a Sith 2009

    Tuesday, December 29, 2009

    Avatar: The Blue Ones are Iraqis

    James Cameron exists just to piss me off.

    First of all, fuck Terminator.

    Second of all, Titanic was not about the Titanic. Titanic was a romantic tragedy set on a sinking ship; the same god damned narrative could have been told in a film titled "Lusitania". Except "Lusitania" is a far stupider title than "Titanic" and torpedoes are far less metaphorical than icebergs.

    Thirdly of all, Dark Angel. Jessica Alba as a super soldier / secret agent who doesn't get tied up? Fuck that noise. Even the jackasses behind Idle Hands realized this simple truth: Tie up Jessica Alba.

    And now we have Avatar, the quintessential "God damn you, James Cameron" movie.

    Yes, the movie is pretty. Yes, it is an innovative use of [insert name of technology they used which will be outdated in 10 years]. And, yes, the CG / Live Action crossover was impressive. But as we learned in the early 90s, graphics do not make the game; pretty, aesthetically pleasing shit is still SHIT.

    Which brings us to the story.

    I've seen Fern Gully. I have read The Lorax. And I saw An Inconvenient Truth. So, I get it, ok? Nature good, Industrialization bad. Trees > Painless Dentistry. And while that sounds great and happy and precious the simple fact of the matter is that we have iphones, atomic bombs, and vibrators; we aren't giving this shit up. In the exclusive disjunction of (Laptop V Daisies) we are picking the fucking laptop. And while this may piss off that hot little fairy, the Lorax, and Al Gore? They can suck it; we like modern conveniences.

    So when Avatar gets its hippie on and tries to craft a narrative within which the industrialized, mechanized white people are the villains and the nature-attuned, holistic blue people are the good guys? You would think this would piss people off, right? The movie is saying "industrialization bad" so, you would think, people in the audience who live in an industrialized society would be irritated, right? Except, no, it does not piss the people in the audience off. WHICH PISSES ME OFF!

    Why? OK. Here's what is going to happen when you go see Avatar: You'll be sitting there minding your own business. Then, via the narrative, you will slowly be lulled into a sense of sympathy for the blue people. Those big, mean, industrialized white people want the blow up the blue people's tree and, man, those blue people are pretty damn great! So, when the white people start throwing gigantic metallic explosive shitbombs at the blue people? People in the audience will boo the white people. And then when the blue people start to fight back and kill white people? Members of the audience will cheer.

    Members of the audience cheer when white people are killed by blue people. Members of the audience, who are white, industrialized, resource-mongering, colonializing, imperializing, white people cheer when white people are killed in Avatar.

    Which is the point at which you, the reasonable viewer, are completely justified in standing up and bellowing at the top of your lungs: "WHY ARE YOU CHEERING WHEN THE WHITE PEOPLE DIE?!?! YOU'RE THE WHITE PEOPLE, JACKASS! YOU DON'T GET TO SYMPATHISE WITH THE NATURE ATTUNED HIPPIE FUCKS AND THEN DRIVE YOUR SUV TO BURGER KING YOU UNOBSERVANT, IGNORANT, SHIT! YOU'RE THE FUCKING BAD GUY! YOU ARE THE WHITE PEOPLE!!!"

    That's the fucking "god damn you, James Cameron" quality to this shitflick; the movie places the audience in the role of the villain. We are the villains! The white people in the movie? They're blowing up blue people for the sake of obtaining the resources which occur in the blue people's native land. The white people are going to war to obtain resources; they are killing native people to obtain resources.

    Spoiler alert! The white people are European Caucasians. The blue people? The blue people are indigenous tribes, Native Americans, Iraqis. The blue people were minding their own fucking business when the white people showed up with their mechs, gunships, and smallpox and starting blowing the living shit out of them. So then the blue people fight back and the audience, composed of the descendants of the Europeans who kicked the shit out of the Native Americans and who are members of the society which went to war with Iraq for oil, start to cheer their little hearts out...for the Blue People / IRAQIS!

    You enter the theatre with your European-descended brethren and leave surrounded by jihadists...who then get in their SUVs, drive to Burger King, and talk about how those poor blue people were just minding their own business when the white people invaded and started being assholes. Never, in the entire process, realizing that they, themselves, are the fucking white people.

    It boggles the mind, really.

    Look, I like trees; I appreciate nature. I like to engage in imaginative flights of fancy within which I drink from streams, hunt native game, give thanks to the earth mother, and fuck a hot little wood nymph under a clear moonlit sky full of stars. But I also realize, since I am not fucking retarded, that one cannot have both the happy-go-lucky natural lifestyle and a polio vaccine. And since I do not want to die of polio? I am comfortable accepting that I am the product and member of an industrialized society the functioning of which is reliant upon disenfranchising blue-people-hippie-fucks.

    So when I watched Avatar? I cheered for the white people. Because I am a white people. I am not a blue people. If I cheer for the blue people? I am cheering against myself. And that would be not only moronic, but also exactly what James Cameron wants me to do.

    So, I do not mind if you pay $10 to see Avatar. I don't even care that much if you like the film. But for the love of fuck, at least cheer for the white people. Recognize that the only reason you are alive today is because your ancestors did to Native Americans, black people, and brown people EXACTLY what the white people in the movie do to the fucking six-foot tall smurfs.

    Because if you start empathizing with and cheering for the blue people? I'm going to take your shit, smash it in front of you, and then march your ass out to the woods with nothing but a bow and arrow and a loincloth. Because, apparently, that's what you really want if you think those fucking blue people are so god damned awesome.

    Or I'll just call you a race traitor; that would be far simpler.