Tuesday, July 3, 2007

100% of Kylebrown's polled believe Transformers had too many commerci... er, pointless scenes.

Although not a terrible movie, Transformers had too many blatant advertisements and half of the film could have been edited out if Michael Bay had any sense. Too much bullshit the viewer didn't need to know nor care about.

SPOILER ALERT - STOP READING NOW IF YOU GIVE A DAMN

Ways to cut out an hour of shit, to make this a movie that is good


  • I don't give a shit that the tomboy car nut love interest had a father that boosted cars nor that she has a criminal record because of it. 100% pointless.

  • Frenzy was the Jar Jar Binks of this movie. He is a cheap knockoff of Soundwave, only with goofy bits for shitty comedic value. Although, he serves a purpose in progressing the plot, they could have come up with a better way to do it, or make him less kiddy.

  • The entire movie is an advertisement for GM, and this sickens me. Enough said.

  • Because everything had to be "realistic", I couldn't figure out jack shit of what was going on in the early battles. We have surmised they basically cut out Michael Bay's hands as he played with his tranformer toys to build the early battle scenes.
    P.S. - STOP SHAKING THE DAMN CAMERA



END OF SPOILER

There are more, but this is what comes to mind. Anyways, in summary, the movie should be cut down to concentrate the Robot Morphing goodness to a simple battle between good and evil deciding the fate of mankind. Keep in mind that this is the first time I have ever promoted cutting scenes from a movie in order to shorten, normally I am a big fan of the epic movies that include SHIT TONS of back story detail, this however is not one of them, because the backstory detail they provide is absolute shit.

Review done.

35 comments:

_J_ said...

If the camera doesn't shake how will you know there is action on the screen?

Mike Lewis said...

ill stop shaking your camera

_J_ said...

Eat my camera.

_J_ said...

What a piece of crap.

_J_ said...

Man, the people who did not like this movie are in the minority on the PA forums.

This is odd.

Kylebrown said...

Yeah I was not impressed with it in the least, but it wasn't awful at the same time. It had a lot of potential but it was all squandered with pointless, pointless, shitty, shitty scenes. I had to double the adjectives for emphasis, because words don't exist that could describe how worthless some of the scenes for the movie were.

Roscoe said...

Wait. That was FRENZY!? Of The Twins? Rumble is Red, Frenzy is Blue/Rumble Is Blue, Frenzy is Red?!


Oh, now I'm just plain cranky.


Why is it none of the decepticons were.. you know.. intellegible? Megatron was understandable, but not really clear.. and... well.. that's about it, aside from the cop-car's shout for the glasses...

Roscoe said...

so.. going into work, this morning? The Bear's morning morons, Turner and Tommy, rocked the Transformers soundtrack.. telling people the movie was great.. and I groaned... only to hear the '86 movie theme by Lion kick in.

Then they played Instruments of Destruction. and I think Tommy was going to play the rest of the album. There are days I just don't know who to hate anymore.

_J_ said...

I spent a chunk of last night trying to argue on the PA forums that it wasn't a good movie, because most of them liked it.

And then I got into the office today...

Lucas: So, Jay, did you see the Transformers movie?
Jay: There aren't many work appropriate words I can use to describe how bad it was.


1) WHO IS SHAKING THE CAMERA?

2) OMG Masturbation joke, LAWL

3) Man, I wish the "Autobots hiding scene" could have been 30 minutes longer. Or, maybe, make that the movie! Call it "Transformers: Sneakin'"

4) Why are we so zoomed in? Can't we zoom out? Can't we see the action from the perspective of a third party who isn't involved in the action?

5) STOP SHAKING THE CAMERA!

6) Oh mans. Did you see that? He's riding a girl's bike. man, man that's totally funny.

7)Did it just become night? He woke up, chased after bumblebee, and now it's night time.

8) Optimus has lips?

9) Oh mans. The fat black guy from Kangaroo Jack ate a lot of doughnuts. LAWL!

10) I don't care about that character. I don't care about this character. I don't care about these characters. He has a baby? Don't care.

11) Shut up, Australia lady. SHUT UP! KOALA KOALA KOALA!!!

12) Oh man, the stereotypical hot girl is dating a jerk. Man, I wonder if she'll grow to like LaBoof after their adventure together. Man, I bet they won't. I bet she'll learn to be an independent woman and persue her love of mechanics so that she can live on her own.

13) Ebay ebay ebay.

14) GMC GMC GMC.

15)Once? They used the transforming sound ONCE?!?! IN THE ENTIRE GOD DAMNED MOVIE?

_J_ said...

Also,

The Allspark was apparently first introduced in "Beast Machines" as the Transformers afterlife.

The Creation Matrix is not, in fact, a big fucking cube.

Kylebrown said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with these opinions. I'm curious if there is another movie that everyone else went to see that was just a live action remake of the REAL Transformers movie, because that would have been totally sweet.

Kylebrown said...

Also, as I explained earlier, we are zoomed in so that we can't see Michael Bay's hands as he smashes his transformer toys together for the action scenes.

_J_ said...

Except they didn't even look like the toys. It was just a bunch of shaky CG pistons and gears.

What a terrible movie.

It in no way had the touch. And it also did not have the power. After all was said and done? It was not a winner.

Kylebrown said...

Unfortunately it set a record for biggest Tuesday debut ever. Which means it is giving the film industry a green light to rape even more if my child hood.

Roscoe said...

exactly. The Allspark is NOT the Creation Matrix. grah

_J_ said...

Actual quote time:

"I really liked it. It's up there with my favorite movies, ever."
- The Receptionist here talking about the non-animated Transformers movie.

_J_ said...

Damn it.

Why didn't the movie start with Optimus saying, "The year is 2007..."?

_J_ said...

The Rodimus Prime article on wikipedia can't be edited by new or unregistered users.

Apparently it is controversial.

Roscoe said...

Many Things in Transformer Fandom are controversial... Rodimus was crucified between the Twin Towers in the comic... one of which had a hole chunked out roughly where the planes hit.... this was published in the early 90's mind you.

Also... he was Judd Nelson.. Judd is one to pick a fight.

Kylebrown said...

Judd Nelson, he was fucking harsh....

_J_ said...

True.

qwantz.com may be the greatest webcomic ever.

Yeah.

Hey, remember that time in Transformers when LaBoof's mom asked him if he was masturbating?

Classic.

Roscoe said...

WAHT?! new Dinosaur Comic? about Tf?

_J_ said...

Speaking of people having their way with our childhoods...

Alvin and the Chimpunks movie poster

Kylebrown said...

Oh dear... that's Jason Lee.... Say it isn't so Jason! Say it isn't so..

Please make it not so...

_J_ said...

It is Jason Lee. And he was also the voice of Wonderdog.

So that's Wonderdog, Alvin and the Chimpmunks.

I see a pattern developing.

_J_ said...

My boss liked it. My boss' wife liked it. Their daughter liked it.

What is wrong with these people?

OH MANS! HIS MOM ASKED HIM IF HE MASTURBATED!

LAWL LAWL LAWL LAWL LAWL

Kylebrown said...

If by wonderdog, you mean underdog, you are partially correct. He isn't voicing underdog, but instead he is shoeshine boy. And I am totally down with that.

Underdog was a staple of my childhood right up there with Hong Kong Phooey. Playing David Seville of Alvin and the Chipmunks, however, I am NOT down with.

_J_ said...

"He isn't voicing underdog, but instead he is shoeshine boy. And I am totally down with that."

But....(spoiler alert) Shoeshine boy IS Underdog!

_J_ said...

Jolly like it.

Jolly fucking LIKED THE MOVIE.

The_Jolly said...

This is for Jay, (I loved the Transformers), but Jay did you hate Tranformers or Narnia more??? Anyone can chip in.

_J_ said...

I don't know.

I hated Narnia because it was hyped by Twardy to be this spectacular Christian allegory when in reality it isn't in any fucking way remotely at all like the Christian story of Jesus. However, I think that is not a fault of the movie so much as it was a fault of people not shutting the hell up about Narnia.

Man, I fucking hated that. "Hey, Jay, you'll like this! It's a Christian allegory!"

Allegory:
1. a representation of an abstract or spiritual meaning through concrete or material forms; figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another.
2. a symbolical narrative:
3. NOT NARNIA

fucking that movie.

Transformers was a bad movie in its being a movie. If you take the Shit of Narnia and make a nonsense movie out of it then it's not a bad movie, it's an accurate representation of the shit.

But if you take transforming robots and make it stupid and OH MY SHITS HE'S RIDING A GIRL'S BIKE then you have failed as a human being.

I think Transformers was the worse movie. I think Narnia is the worse source material.

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