One Part Gullible, Two Part Potter

Deathly Hallows: 784 pages
Half-Blood Prince: 652 pages
Order of the Phoenix: 896 pages
Goblet of Fire: 734 pages
Prisoner of Azkaban: 448 pages
Chamber of Secrets: 352 pages
Philosopher's Stone: 309 pages

Warner Bros. Pictures will release its film adaption of the final "Harry Potter" book in two parts, saying doing so is necessary to stay true to the tome.

I've seen each of the Harry Potter films at least three times and read through the series at least six times and this is my verdict: You cockgobbling asshats at Warner Bros. don't give two shits about staying "true to the tome". Sure, you stay "reasonably close to to tome" or "vaguely similar to the tome" or "Emma Watson has tits now so we will change wardrobe accordingly...to the tome". But at no point have you assholes bothered yourselves with being true to the tome.

And, really? I've come to terms with that; I have accepted it. No one bothers to literally translate a written work into film anymore save the people who do Naruto. So even though I was pissed off after I saw Harry Potter and the scenes from Order of the Phoenix that fit into 138 minutes I accepted the film as the best I could get; it was all that was available to me.

Except NOW that you money sniffing cadaver fuckers have come to the end of the series you've decided to do a two part Harry Potter Movie?! Are you fucking shitting me?

We're not stupid, you know. We know that Deathly Hallows is shorter than Order of the Phoenix. We know that you left things out of every Harry Potter film to date. Hell, we all know that you're just doing a two part movie because you know we will pay to see it. But even giving you the fact that the last book lends itself to a two part movie I still won't concede that you ought to make a two part movie. Why? I do not want to have to wait a year to see part two of the film version of the ending to a story I've already read six times.

So, how about we find a nice middle ground. What if you make the movie four hours long and charge more for tickets? How would that be problematic? Release a four hour epic final Harry Potter Film and make an event of it. People love lining up at midnight to see shitty movies. People love to sit on their asses. Why not take advantage of that and blow your final wad on one final unprecedented four-hour Harry Potter joygazm? Do you really think that would irritate anyone? Do you really think people would not show up? It's the last Harry Potter movie: People will sit there for however long it takes and pay whatever you make them pay.

You're knowingly taking advantage of the fans anyway. You're milking this thing for all you can under the guise of "staying true to the tome", something with which you have not concerned yourselves at all thus far in the series. But if you're going to fuck the fans in the ass with this two part bullshit why not give them the courtesy of a reach-around and put the two parts together and just charge more? Charge $30 for a ticket. Charge $40. We'll pay it. We'll happily bend over and take it.

We just ask that you give it to us all at once.