Tuesday, April 29, 2008

GTA IV: Sandbox of Dumb

Since everyone else is talking about it let's talk about Grand Theft Auto IV.

I really don't understand why someone would buy this game let alone play it. And it's not as if I have something against the GTA universe or harbor some contempt for simulations in which one can kill a hooker. Rather, GTA is entirely pointless and stupid as evidenced by what it is:

"The open, non-linear environment allows players to explore and choose how they wish to play the game. Although storyline missions are necessary to progress through the game and unlock certain parts of the map and content, they are not required, as players can complete them at their own leisure."

If there is no objective, no goal, no accumulation of items, no character leveling, no ability upon which one may improve? Then why the fuck are you playing?! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!

I do not hate sandbox games. I enjoyed Animal Crossing Wild World. Why? Because while there was no stated goal (short of paying off Tom Nook) the items I amassed in game had value as a result of the multiplayer component of the game. If I caught a goldfish I could get online and give that goldfish to another player. The in-game money I amassed could be used to purchase items from other players via the global network of AC:WW players. This same system exists in games like Diablo II and World of Warcraft. In these games one may accumulate currency and items which can be exchanged with other players and so gain a degree of value within the multiplayer environment.

Grand Theft Auto IV has none of this.

Grand Theft Auto IV is entirely a waste of time. If an individual spends twelve hours playing the game after these twelve hours they have nothing to show for it. Sure, one may unlock new maps or items, but these maps and items are restricted to the individual's game save. So after investing a great deal of time in GTA IV the entirety of one's accomplishments are encased within that individual's game save; they have no communal value.

"But wait, asshole," you say, "GTA IV has an online ranked multiplayer system!" Sure. But how does this system work? "The reward for the ranked gameplay will be cash. The amount of cash a player has will determine their rank."

Wow. Terrific. You've invested hours of your life to make Dildohumper17 appear slightly higher than SissyC0x69 on a little online board somewhere. Congratulations.

It's entirely possible that some people do not care about value and they simply enjoy sitting on the couches, dicks in their hand, while they press A to make the little man on the screen hit the little hooker on the screen much to the delight of their precambrian "brains". And I'm sure that if such a person were to strain their self they could offer a monosyllabic argument to justify this activity as worthwhile.

But if you are that jackass? Then I hope that when you're lying on your deathbed you think back to the hours you spent, dick in hand, wasting your damn life on an activity which had no value in any context short of the asinine bullshit context you and SissyC0x69 fabricated in an effort to distract yourselves from your deep, deep desire to suck one another's cocks.


kylebrown said...

I agree the GTA series went to hell with 3 and all the mass shit that followed to take advantage of it's market value. There is no point to this game. After one sitting on GTA3 of getting infinite weapons and blowing everything up, I got very bored. The sandbox bores the hell out of me. I would rather have a garage with tools to build something sweet or a roller coaster for quick cheap thrills than a fucking sandbox.

_J_ said...

When I went to lunch I thought that maybe i'd been too harsh. Then I came back, read what I wrote, and agreed with myself.

There is no merit to these games. Sure, there may be a story and some character depth. But whoopty shit. Plenty of games afford that which do not focus on killing hookers, stealing cars, and drunkely driving over pedestrians.

And I'm all for freedom of speech and expression. So if someone wants to include that in their game then fine, go for it. I'm not going to be a damn prude and scream "think of the children" because, well, fuck the children.

But GTA fucking revels in its own filth. It is little more than an asshole simulator with no direction or purpose. They give you a non-linear, open-ended city in which you may run around being a jackass for no apparent reason.

I like South Park because while it has toilet humor and filth at least it is trying to make a point, to communicate a lesson. GTA is South Park without the moral lesson.

It's just pointless, needless waste.

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