Cooking: Bratwurst Boiled

I usually tend to keep my thoughts on cooking to myself. My reason is that I eat what I cook, not what you cook, so the shit you cook does not affect me. If you want to microwave a steak that's your own damned business. Yes, I'll secretly hate you on the inside for microwaving a steak, but if you're going to choke the fucking thing down I consider that punishment enough.

The problem with this little policy of mine is that occasionally I do have to eat what others cook. And while I'm usually happy to feign polite acceptance of the completely bizarre methods by which people prepare their food on occasion I'm confronted by such an insulting and derogatory method of preparing meat that I just have to bitch about it. What, you ask yourself, could piss me off this much?

BOILING BRATWURST IN WATER

Meat is not for boiling, ok? And if there exists a meat whose ideal cooking method is heating via boiled water? Then that meat is not food. And don't fucking talk to me about lobster. Lobsters are for grilling; you rip off their fucking tails and you grill their damn tails. I might possibly allow you to kill the lobster via boiling, maybe. But, again, we're only boiling the damn thing to kill it; we are not boiling it to cook it. NOTE THE DIFFERENCE!

But to get back to bratwursts. I don't care how mundane and stupid you are; I don't care if you think hotdogs are for boiling* and are so fucking confused about life that you think bratwursts are just fancy hotdogs. Bratwursts are not fucking hotdogs! And even if they were glorified hotdogs? HOTDOGS ARE FOR GRILLING, ASSHOLE! You don't boil MEAT! See the above paragraph!

If you want to do it right you'll grill your bratwurst, or perhaps cook it in a skillet with garlic and onions. But if you are going to boil a Bratwurst, if you just love that rubbery texture and complete abandonment of flavor? Then you boil the fucking thing in beer, with GARLIC and ONIONS! That's the only method by which boiling meat is justified: if the substance in which the meat is boiled contains alcohol and there is enough garlic included to offset the evils of boiling meat.

Cooking is not about heating food, not about killing bacteria. Cooking food, preparing food, is about the experience of preparation. Cooking is about the process moreso than the end. If you're just throwing shit into boiling water to get it hot, if you toss your food onto a grill, an oven and walk away? You're missing the fucking point. When you prepare food, cook food, part of what you're doing is engaging with that food, experiencing it on a level other than simply consumption.

If you don't agree with that, if you think me silly or moronic? Then, fine, just microwave and boil everything you eat. Enjoy gnawing on the rubbery mess you've convinced yourself is edible. Just don't fucking serve it to me. Because I'll punch you in the fucking gut. And considering that your gut is going to be full of rubbery, boiled shit? I doubt that you'll want anyone applying pressure there.

*This is leaving aside the problem of people who think that hotdogs are for eating.