Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Half-Blood Prince: Pre-Viewing Review

The local theatre was sold out for the midnight showing of Half-Blood Prince. So, instead of watching the new movie I watched Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix tonight. Based upon those movies this is my review of Half-Blood Prince which, again, I have not seen.

JESUS FUCK-ASS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THESE MOVIES?

If you want to make a movie based on a book? The process is easy; the process is the opposite of difficult. You want to know what to do? Ok, here are the simple, easy-to-follow, retard with down syndrome instructions:

1) Open the book to page 1.
2) Have your set director replicate what is described on page 1.
3) Have Daniel Radcliffe say what Harry says on page 1.
4) RE-FUCKING-PEAT UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF GOD DAMNED PAGES!!

Seriously. Turning a book into a movie is the opposite of difficult. There is, in no way, cause to have consternation over this process. The entire fucking movie is already laid out for you in the god damned book. The book gives you all of the dialog, ever. The book gives you all of the descriptions of all of the scenes, ever. The book gives your actors direction, your set directors a description of what they have to create, your director an indication of what he has to direct. It's as if, imagine this, it's as if you already have the script...in book form...and then you can take this script and fucking make a god damned movie using it.

I know, right? It's cake. It's easier than cake. It's Lindsay Lohan on a bender pre-baked cake. It's the simplest god damned fucking thing on the planet.

1) Take the fucking book.
2) Make what the book fucking says appear in the god damned movie.

And I know what you're going to say; I fucking god damned know what you will say: "But people won't sit still for as long as that sort of movie would run."


THEY SAT STILL TO READ THE BOOK YOU SEMEN GUZZLING CUNT SHITTER!

Christ damn it's not as if you're turning War and Peace into a movie. It's Harry fucking Potter. Everyone and their retarded niece has read it, twice.

You take the book.
You replicate what is in the book.
You make millions of dollars.

Fucking. Simple.

Good lighting, though. Damned good lighting. Props to the lighting guy.

2 comments:

_J_ said...

Here's the "people wouldn't pay for longer movies" argument played out in a more familiar context:

Hi, i'm a cocaine dealer. I'm pretty bummed. See, i sold everyone in town some cocaine. And now that they have their one shot of cocaine they'll never want more cocaine, ever. So I guess I had better leave town and find a new customer base somewhere else. I mean, these people have already bought cocaine once. There's no way they'll buy more.

Poor me, the cocaine dealer. I wish there was a way to make money multiple times off of the same substance; I wish that I had something people yearned for and would purchase multiple times after buying it once. Man, it sucks being a cocaine dealer. It's so hard to make money as a cocaine dealer!


People want to watch harry potter movies.

Break every movie down into 17 parts. i don't fucking care. I'll pay to see it.

When the fuck did hollywood become less intelligent than a cocaine dealer?

Mike Lewis said...

my review: give it a pass