Zero Punctuation: Chains of Olympus

Uneducated Voters

Of all the components to this primary that piss me off there is one golden, shining beacon of asinine idiocy that literally keeps me up at night because I'm too fucking pissed off to sleep.

You see, whenever Clinton's wins are analyzed the demographic tick-off is nigh-always "Whites, women, and those without a college education". When pundits start talking about the gas tax holiday proposed by McCain and Clinton pundits portray the sides as:
"It's the old "if it feels good, do it" (that Clinton and McCain have seen succeed for so long during times that pocketbook politics have dominated the debate) versus the intellectual argument Obama is trying to have (that usually is praised by, well, intellectuals but dismissed by rank-and-file voters who want their tax cut or gas prices cut)."
Moreover when you actually talk to experts you'll see that economists and people who know shit understand that the gas tax holiday is a terrible idea not only because it won't help the economy but also because, you know, the more gas we burn the sooner we'll all be dead.

And I'm trying to figure out why the fucking hell no one has stopped to point out that when the debate is between uneducated people and intellectuals there is no debate because FUCK UNEDUCATED PEOPLE. If the primary supporters of a given candidate or policy are uneducated does not that indicate some fundamental flaw in the candidate or policy given that, you know, stupid people like it?

Granted, if you look at the statistics you'll see that a lot of these "gaps" are not necessarily overwhelming. Obama has maybe a 10% lead over McCain with people who have post-graduate education. In PA Clinton's lead among people without college degrees was around 19 points. So if you have a college degree you can decide whether or not 10% or 19 points is significant.

But, really, oughtn't those uneducated people be removed from the process anyway?

I know that there is a level of discomfort which results from the notion that certain people oughtn't be allowed to participate in the process, that we cling to this bizarre, idiotic notion that everyone matters. But i'm not talking about racism or sexism or ageism or any of the other baseless forms of segregation based in rampant idiocy. I'm talking about idiocy itself. If we don't allow felons (people who have demonstrably shown that they are incapable of making decisions which behoove society) to vote then why the fuck would we allow uneducated people to vote?

Wouldn't it be sort of terrific if everyone who participated in the democratic process could read at a college level, were well versed in the Classics and familiar with thinkers such as Locke and Hobbes? Wouldn't it be delightful if everyone who voted based their decision on an objective assessment of a candidate's positions and soundness of their policies rather than the color of their skin, their genitals, or whatever other mud-fucking-stupid criteria uneducated dipshits utilize?

But if we aren't going to prohibit uneducated people from voting; if we're going to maintain this delusional, baseless notion that those people have valid concerns and respectable decision making abilities then can't we at least frame the conversation to be condescending towards them? Oughtn't we openly mock Clinton for maintaining positions supported by those without a college education? Oughtn't we rightly portray this preposterous gas tax holiday as an uneconomial, unenvironmental pander to the lowest common denominator? For fuck's sake can't we all agree to call a moron a moron and stop dignifying and respecting the positions of these dipshits?

Here's my proposal: The next time Clinton wins a state as a result of carrying the uneducated white dipshit vote? Instead of lauding her ability to appeal to the residents of Bumblefuck, Tacoma and skewing the spin to portray her positions as sensible, supported, and good let's rather embrace the nature of the win and summarize her victory in a manner truly befitting her supporters and policies:

"Hayuck!"

I think someone kidnapped Elliott...

... and dyed the poor pup.

Clinton, O’Reilly, South Bend

This will be interesting.

Hillary Clinton will make her first visit to “the no-spin zone,” sitting down with FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly for a two-part interview to air Wednesday and Thursday.

The Democratic presidential hopeful will meet O’Reilly on Wednesday in South Bend, Ind., where the two are expected to discuss a wide range of topics, both foreign and domestic.

GTA IV: Sandbox of Dumb

Since everyone else is talking about it let's talk about Grand Theft Auto IV.

I really don't understand why someone would buy this game let alone play it. And it's not as if I have something against the GTA universe or harbor some contempt for simulations in which one can kill a hooker. Rather, GTA is entirely pointless and stupid as evidenced by what it is:

"The open, non-linear environment allows players to explore and choose how they wish to play the game. Although storyline missions are necessary to progress through the game and unlock certain parts of the map and content, they are not required, as players can complete them at their own leisure."

If there is no objective, no goal, no accumulation of items, no character leveling, no ability upon which one may improve? Then why the fuck are you playing?! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!

I do not hate sandbox games. I enjoyed Animal Crossing Wild World. Why? Because while there was no stated goal (short of paying off Tom Nook) the items I amassed in game had value as a result of the multiplayer component of the game. If I caught a goldfish I could get online and give that goldfish to another player. The in-game money I amassed could be used to purchase items from other players via the global network of AC:WW players. This same system exists in games like Diablo II and World of Warcraft. In these games one may accumulate currency and items which can be exchanged with other players and so gain a degree of value within the multiplayer environment.

Grand Theft Auto IV has none of this.

Grand Theft Auto IV is entirely a waste of time. If an individual spends twelve hours playing the game after these twelve hours they have nothing to show for it. Sure, one may unlock new maps or items, but these maps and items are restricted to the individual's game save. So after investing a great deal of time in GTA IV the entirety of one's accomplishments are encased within that individual's game save; they have no communal value.

"But wait, asshole," you say, "GTA IV has an online ranked multiplayer system!" Sure. But how does this system work? "The reward for the ranked gameplay will be cash. The amount of cash a player has will determine their rank."

Wow. Terrific. You've invested hours of your life to make Dildohumper17 appear slightly higher than SissyC0x69 on a little online board somewhere. Congratulations.

It's entirely possible that some people do not care about value and they simply enjoy sitting on the couches, dicks in their hand, while they press A to make the little man on the screen hit the little hooker on the screen much to the delight of their precambrian "brains". And I'm sure that if such a person were to strain their self they could offer a monosyllabic argument to justify this activity as worthwhile.

But if you are that jackass? Then I hope that when you're lying on your deathbed you think back to the hours you spent, dick in hand, wasting your damn life on an activity which had no value in any context short of the asinine bullshit context you and SissyC0x69 fabricated in an effort to distract yourselves from your deep, deep desire to suck one another's cocks.

Miley Cyrus Tentacle Porn writes itself.

Spurned by fans outraged by her embarrassing photo shoot Miley Cyrus stumbled drunkenly through the empty streets of Wellington, New Zealand, her last refuge from the public eye. Eager to find solitude and shelter she enter the unexpectedly unlocked doors of the first facility she could find and was shocked by the sight awaiting her.

Before her within a temperature-controlled tank bobbing slowly within the icy saline solution was the thawing carcass of a 900-pound colossal squid, the largest ever captured. Its eyes staring blanky ahead, its tentacles entwined within the fishing net which had brought about its doom.

"Miley Cyrus!", exclaimed Miley Cyrus, her heartbeat quickening with surprise. She had never seen a 900 pound colossal squid and the sight of its gigantic tentacles entranced her, ensuring that she did not hear the doors behind her slowly creep to a close and lock.

Miley Cyrus tentatively stepped towards the tank until she was within an arms length of the slowly warming glass. The room was silent except for the sound of water gently rippling as the 900 pound carcass bobbed slowly up and down. She reached out and placed her hand upon the glass, a small halo of moisture trickling out from her hand due to the condensation. Wanting a closer look at this gigantic tentacled creature she glanced around, her eyes finally settling upon a ladder a few feet away.

"Miley...Cyrus," thought Miley Cyrus to herself as she pondered her course of action. She then hastily ran to the ladder and scurried to the top, eager to inspect the 900 pound colossal squid.

Before Miley Cyrus lay the beast within the saline solution kept just above freezing; its pale pink flesh kept just above freezing. Its texture entranced Miley Cyrus. Was it hard, rubbery, soft? How did it feel? Throwing caution to the wind Miley Cyrus reached out, stopped momentarily, and then finally lay her hand upon the colossal squid.

Tentacles lashed quickly up into the air, the water set to an unexpected boil. Miley Cyrus instinctively withdrew her hand but to no avail. Her touch had awoken then 900 pound colossal squid for it had been, as all colossal squid are, a zombie.

Without a moment's hesitation Miley Cyrus was entangled in the beast's tentacles, drenched in the saline solution as she was pulled into the tank, her surprised yelp of "Miley Cyrus!" lost to the sound of the sloshing of water. Her embarrassing photo shoot quickly forgotten as the 900-pound colossal squid filled not only her mind but also, well, you can imagine what a 900-pound colossal squid would fill.

And so the 900 pound colossal zombie squid then had tentacle sex with Miley Cyrus. Because that is the sort of thing a 900 pound colossal zombie squid would do with Miley Cyrus. Also, there was a muted television in the corner playing Digimon at the time, which is an important fact to note.

The end!

Pitchfork.tv

For all your Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy video needs.

Seriously, it's an interesting idea.. and might be worth your time.

If you can put up with Pitchfork's music tastes.. some gems in there.. and some.. not so much.

Makes me long for pre-widespread cable penetration M2. Oh for the days of Matt Pinfield and Janice Dunn.