Damn it, Mormons.

I had it all planned out. I had a great article in mind about sunflowers that would be insightful and entertaining and a nice change from my usual angry rant. But then I checked msnbc to see if anything had exploded and I saw an article entitled Mormans: Is Polygamy in Afterlife OK?" and it turns out that I was to be the one who exploded today. So now I have to forego my sunflower article to rant about how much I fucking hate Mormons.

The article begins by stating that Mormons are not pro-polygamy and they can't at all understand why anyone would think that they endorse polygamy. Personally, I sympathize with Mormons on this issue. The way people talk about it one would think that at one time Mormons not only endorsed polygamy but actually started a cult in the middle of the fucking desert so they could practice it. As if!

But Mormanism's inability to recall history is not the blood-boiling point of the article. No, we get this little gem: "Much less clear is the church's position on polygamy in the eternal hereafter." The "eternal hereafter"? And not only that, but polygamy in the "eternal hereafter"? Well that sounds like a dilly of a pickle. Surely a reasoned, informed, and logical section shall follow that ditch-fuckingly-stupid sentence.

Apparently, Mormons are in a bit of a bind, or "seal":

When a Mormon man and woman are married in the Temple, they are "sealed," which means they and their children will be bound together forever in heaven—what Mormons call the celestial kingdom. If a Mormon man becomes a widower, or if he is divorced, he can remarry in the Temple—and thus be sealed to more than one woman.

That means that, in Mormon theological theory, a Morman man could be sealed to multiple women! And that would mean that in the "eternal hereafter's" "celestial kingdom" there would be Morman men with...wait for it...MULTIPLE WIVES!

MORMAN THEOLOGICAL DILEMMA!

And what a dilemma it is. This dilemma is so dilemmamafying that "On the Web site feministmormonhousewives.org, women worry over celestial polygamy in all its permutations". Ok, stop one god-damned moment.

You're telling me that there is a website for feminist Mormon housewives and that on this site feminist Morman housewives worry over CELESTIAL POLYGAMY? Are you fucking kidding me? People who lack the theological prowess to identify how mud-fuckingly stupid Mormanism is spend time out of their lives on a site for "Feminist Morman Housewives" (a concept that will get its own week-long series of rants) consternated over the dilemma of celestial polygamy?

I think that their time would be best spent not worrying about celstial polygamy, but rather trying to figure out why they hell they believe that Joseph Smith found Golden Plates guarded by the Angel Moroni buried in the hills outside of his home in New York. Perhaps these women could reflect on the image of Joseph Smith dictating the book of Mormon to a scribe by he, Joseph Smith, putting rocks into a hat and then reading the letters that appeared inside of the hat to the scribe. Maybe they could try to figure out how it is that Native Americans made it to North America, given that Mormanism teaches us that Native Americans are actually descended from a tribe of Israel.

Or maybe, MAYBE, the whole lot of them had best put their fucking heads together and come up with an explanation for why JOSEPH SMITH SAID THAT THE GARDEN OF EDEN WAS IN WESTERN MISSOURI.