Oh, Senator Larry Craig...

Senator Larry Craig,

If you want to not be seen as a doddering old Republican homosexual coot you really dropped the ball on this one (pardon the pun). Here's some pointers to avoiding future problems.

1. Don't plead guilty to "complaints of lewd conduct" that accuse you of being a doddering old Republican Homosexual. Can't stress that enough.

2. If you do plead guilty do not say, "In hindsight, I should have pled not guilty." afterwards. At all cost avoid references to "hind"sight or any other phrases which invoke images of "ass" or "homosexual anal sex".

3. When addressing the press, do not say, "I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. I am not gay.” You really want to avoid phrases that make it sound as if you think "gay" is "wrong". Something along the lines of, "I am not a homosexual...not that there's anything wrong with that..."

4. Do not accuse papers of "waging a witch hunt" against you. First of all, "witch hunts" are not "waged". Second of all, the phrase "witch hunt" makes you sound like a doddering old codger who just piloted his walker out of the early 30s.

5. Stop sucking dick! Seriously, the worst thing you can do when trying to argue that you are a heterosexual is to engage in homosexual acts.

Hope this helps!

Your Pal,
_J_