Godliness contributes to happiness.

Here's a great sentence to read when you first arrive in the office on a Friday:
"Among America’s young people, godliness contributes to happiness."

There are three things in that sentence that just delight me:
1) "Young People": I love the phrase "young people" because it only appears in sentences composed by out-of-touch octogenarians with a mistaken opinion of the degree to which they are "hip" and "with it" while still maintaining just a pinch of, "Hey you kids, get off my lawn!"

2) "godliness": I love the word "godliness". For me, it conjures the image of a choir of angels appearing behind Ted Haggard as he does cocaine while getting reamed up the ass by a gay hooker.

3) "contribues to": The phrase "contributes to" is great because it's a rhetorical device used to make something appear more significant than it actually is. If a thing "contributes to" happiness we've bypassed any discussion of the percent or degree to which it contributes and instead merely discuss the fact that yes, in some manner, this thing contributes.

The worst part of this stupid ass article is the audacity with which it is written. Do they really think I'm not aware of this? Yes, if a person ignores reality and fabricates a stupid fucking delusion of a big, powerful sky-daddy who watches over them and somehow rights all wrongs and balances out all injustices on a universal scale then, yeah, they'll be happier. If a person thinks that this life is naught but a test for the next life and that their future is guided by an invisible sky daddy? No shit, they'll be happier.

And then there are the facts and the statistics. Oh, the facts and the statistics:

- Sixty-eight percent agree with the statement, “I follow my own religious and spiritual beliefs, but I think that other religious beliefs could be true as well.” Oh sweet fuck, 70% of "young people" are hip to religious pluralism?! That bodes well for the future. Nothing like a healthy dose of relativism at a young age to ensure a sensible mindset throughout adulthood. And it's not even the relativism that bothers me. It's John 14:6 when Jesus says, "I am the way the truth and the life; NO MAN cometh unto the Father BUT BY ME." How the fuck someone can read that and say, "But, Tzing-Pow the Daoist might be right, too. I mean, he shares his cookies at lunch time!" is beyond me.

- "Among races, African-Americans are most likely to describe religion as being the single most important thing in their lives. Females are slightly more religious than males, and the South is the most religious region" So a black southern woman is the most religious? I find a bit of irony in that.

- "Eighty percent of those who call religion or spirituality the most important thing in their lives say they’re happy, while 60 percent of those who say faith isn’t important to them consider themselves happy." I don't know what this means. 20% of religious people aren't happy? There's no way that 20% of the people polled are Calvinists. And 60% of people who don't give a shit about religion are happy? Why don't we hear more about them?

I think Molly Luksik, though, summed up everything quite nicely. "If you believe God is helping you, then everything else isn’t as important and you can trust that there’s somebody there for you no matter what."

Yes, Molly. If you ignore reality and cling to the idea of an invisible sky daddy who is in control of everything you will find a sense of comfort. Problem is, though, that security blanket? It doesn't fucking exist no matter how much you think it does.

And then we have people like Traci Laichter, who say shit like, "I believe whatever you believe is true to you and it really shouldn’t matter what other people think". I mean, it's quite sensible for a 14 year old jewish girl to spout Nietzsche, except, wait, that doesn't make a damn bit of sense.

But the gold medal for this article goes to David Mueller:

“When it comes to events in your whole life, it’s already somewhat laid out for you,” he said. “You can stray off to another path. But where God wants you to go, you are going to get there.”

Way to go, David. Soft-Determinism for the win.