Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Human Adenovirus-36

Apparently if you are fat you're not fat but rather you're infected with Human Adenovirus-36 which "turns adult stem cells retrieved from fat tissue into fat cells". Of course, Dr Magdalena Pasarica quickly qualified this by saying, "We're not saying that a virus is the only cause of obesity, but this study provides stronger evidence that some obesity cases may involve viral infections."

Yes. That's awesome. Give fatties some compelling science to throw into their rhetoric! ".05% of obesity cases involve Human Adenovirus-36! That means my obesity is caused by Human Adenovirus-36! Now give me some chicken wings! Nom nom nom."

But why stop here? Global Climate Change? That's a virus too. It's not the fact that we covered the planet in black tar and concrete, cut down the trees, and filled the atmosphere with carbon dioxide. Nah. It's a virus. Same thing with stupid. Kids aren't stupid; they have a virus. AIDS? Yeah. That's a virus too.

Ok, maybe AIDS is a virus. But I think we can all agree that fatasses aren't tragic victims of anything other than themselves.

8 comments:

MA17 said...

So if a fat guy sneezes on me, will I become fat too? Or does the virus need to pass through broken skin, like the zombie virus? Is that how fat people multiply? By biting non-fat people? What if the fat guy is radioactive, will I get superpowers too?

_J_ said...

Well, like you said, if it is a virus it could spread through a sneeze so it would make sense to seperate fat people from the rest of us so that we do not catch the disease of "OMG Moer Chicken Wings nom nom nom!"

When chickens are found to be infected with bird flu they usually kill the entire group to stop the spread of the infection. I think that it only make sense to treat fat fucks the same way. If we kill the carrier we kill the disease, as it were.

Roscoe said...

I'm blaming lupus!

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