Friday, February 1, 2008

Nay

I enjoy stories about horse related injuries. In 1995 when superman fell off a horse and so became paralyzed from the neck-down I found this to be a reassuring, comforting story. Today the story of Shannon Bloomfield, a 12 year old olympic hopeful who was crushed to death by a horse again filled me with this sense of comfort and reassurance. These stories justify what I think is a very sensible, well thought out, and realistic world view posed through the following question:

Why the fuck are you sitting on a horse?

I don't care about the culture significance or history to horse sitting. It's fucking stupid. What view of reality causes a person to, upon seeing a horse, think to their self, "You know what? I'm going to sit on that."

A while ago the daughter of someone in the office got married. At her wedding she wanted to ride up on a white horse because she has some form of mental retardation which makes her think movies are indicative of reality. So she gets the white horse, has the wedding outside, and ends up crying through her wedding because the horse kicked up mud all over her dress. Because that is what happens when you sit on a horse and the horse walks through mud, dipshit.

I can understand the romantic, idealistic motivation towards horse sitting. The idea of being alone with an animal atop a cliff looking out over the setting sun makes for a great movie poster; it nurtures that desire some have for a human to animal connection. Riding to your groom on the back of a white steed? It certainly sounds romantic.

But horses are not, in fact, for sitting. Couches are for sitting. For, among other reasons, couches are not alive, strong and easily spooked.

Yes, back in the day when people did not have cars or bicycles or, presumably, wheels they sat on horses. Yes, in fantasy stories the heroic knight will ride upon a horse, the damsel in distress will escape on horseback, and Liv Tyler, when chased by Nazgul, will employ her equestrian skills to flee.

But you have access to cars and bikes and segways. You aren't a cowboy. You aren't a knight. You aren't engaged in some deep, mystical empathic connection which transcends explanation and understanding. And you damn well aren't Liv Tyler.

I can't believe you haven't realized that by now.

8 comments:

Caleb said...

And there they are--four white horses. And, I said to myself, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady.

_J_ said...

I hate that movie.

Unknown said...

That movie doesn't need you to like it to be awesome.

Caleb said...

You and I both.

Caleb said...

kyle = kylebrown ۷ kyle ≠ kylebrown?

_J_ said...

The movie is awesome. But then people talk about it. And they watch it over and over again. And then they talk about it some more. And then they quote it to you. And then they quote it while watching it. And then late at night they sneak into your room and whisper lines from it into your ear while beating you over the head with a copy of the VHS.

This is all, by the way, before they get onto IMDB, find trivia about the movie, and then talk about THAT endlessly.

_J_ said...

"kyle = kylebrown ۷ kyle ≠ kylebrown?"

I have no idea anymore.

Unknown said...

both are same person... kylebrown is based on my work email account, kyle however is not.